Lesson from the Couch

A few months ago I noticed my ass was sore.

No it wasn’t due to Loiter being particularly rough with me because I failed to acknowledge Castle Ravenloft as anything but a dungeon crawl game for pussies, but rather due to the cushions on my couch waring down to the point that the wooden beam underneath was starting to dig into my ass cheeks.

I think it was time – time to finally buy a new couch. Besides, my current set never really went with the room and floral sofas don’t exactly scream "Batchelor pad" to the world.

So off to the furniture shop I went.

Now I live in an old school 3 bedroom home, with a fireplace on one wall and a big entrance into the room on the other. So my current setup involved having a 3 seater sofa and 2 recliners all ‘squashed’ along one wall, and the TV in a corner cabinet on the opposite side of the room. .

Clearly this setup needed changing.

Now despite the fact there are millions of homes in suburbia with setups like mine, it seems there is no method to setting up such a lounge. Losing a wall to the fireplace is a real pain to have to work with. In the end I decided on one of those L shaped couches – not a corner one, but a 3 seater where the end cushion sticks right out so you can put your feet up or have a fourth person squash in there. They have a name but I can’t recall it; there is not much room in my brain for anything beyond FFG rulebooks I’m afraid.

Of course instead of getting a cheap material one I had to get a leather one, you know because it lasts longer and looks better and yadda yadda. I also got a swivel chair in purple to stick in a different room corner; the saleswoman said it would look clique, and she was hot and had big tits so I believed her.

So out of the store I walk three grand poorer.

That night when I look at the room and imagine the couch I notice something. It’s not facing the corner the TV is in. No, the new couch demands that the TV be in the middle of the opposing wall. Now I currently have a big old heavy CRT TV, and this being the modern age these big bulky TVs may only be stuck in the corner of the room like a naughty stepchild. No, if the TV is to go along a wall then I need to buy a nice thin new flatscreen despite the fact my current one works a treat. Oh well, I hear big plasmas are cheap these days, and what do you know, my tech-head cousin is also in the market for a big screen TV. So I hitch a ride with him.

"We don’t buy TV’s based on inches!" he informs me, "No, we want picture quality!" So I guess mr no-name chinaman cheapo brand is out.

I’m not sure how the next stage quite happened, but next thing I new the TV had to be 3D.

"3D will be really useful for you." he tells me.

"Why?"

"Why for 3D gaming of course!"

It occurs to me that my cousin doesn’t quite understand what I mean when I talk about ‘games’ as I walk out the store big Panasonic 3D 50inch super-plasma in one hand, blue ray player in the other and a stunned, black eyed wallet in my back pocket next to my sore ass. .

The next stage came when I ripped off the TV box at home and realised… I have nothing to put it on. The corner unit isn’t going to work in the middle of the room now is it? So off I go to the furniture store to get a new TV cabinet.

After looking at many pieces in many styles, I choose a style that doesn’t come in a TV cabinet – but not to worry, they can custom make it for me. $CHING-$CHING.

And of course the Cabinet had to go with the rest of the room, or rather the rest of the room has to go with the cabinet. So next is an order for a new coffee table and side table in the same style.

I’m certain I can hear my wallet scream as it bleeds.

I console myself with the thought that this weekend the AFL grand final (that’s the sport which passes for religion down here) is going to be broadcast in 3D, and imagine how insanely jealous everyone is going to be when I invite them over to watch it. I’ll be the talk of the town! Except that reception to the 3D channel, channel 40, is a bit dodgy. Now I can’t invite everyone over to watch the final and have it pixilate constantly, so in comes the new digital roof mounted TV antenna and out goes more dollars and sense.

If there were a God the tale would surely end here, but oh no. You see my surround sound is actually part of my DVD player – the DVD player I no longer need due to the now having a blue ray. I COULD of course hook up the DVD to the blue ray to try and get my surround sound back, but the DVD is old and doesn’t use HDMI so I’ll be losing quality somewhere. Plus the remotes won’t sync up. And I’ll have tons of ugly old cables back there, providing I even can hook the unit up successfully. Maybe I should just buy a Panasonic dedicated surround sound instead?

And what about that 3D gaming thing? Maybe a big flat TV and a comfy non-ass breaking couch was all I needed to finally get me into console gaming. I like miniatures, they are 3D, maybe this will be like miniatures in my TV? Is it time to get an Xbox 360? All the cool kids have one. FAT swears by it.

And of course I can’t download movies anymore. Oh, no, no, I need Picture Quality or the new TV is bit of a waste. And I need my titles in 3D since I spend money getting a 3D TV and I don’t want to have spent that money for nothing either. So I guess I better start buying my movies now.

Or maybe I should have learned to just put up with a sore ass.