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  • Dice Temple: Secret Satan Series Part 2; Robocop, Its So Cold In The D.

Dice Temple: Secret Satan Series Part 2; Robocop, Its So Cold In The D.

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Dice Temple: Secret Satan Series Part 2; Robocop, Its So Cold In The D.
There Will Be Games

The new year has come, and we are now met with the saddest part of Christmas, the 365 days of the year leading to the next. I know this to be true, because my girlfriend has boxed all of our decorations, and the signs of mundane life have returned, always weighing us down with fatigue from work and muddy snow in the gutter.

But the sparkle of echoing bells is still fleetingly heard here in Hartford, CT. So gather around the fire. It’s time for me to relay to you another warm Christmas tale. And for all of us to forget for a soothing moment that Santa has left us for the time being.

My story begins one cold winter’s eve, in a quaint little cabin far north into lands even the bravest of men will not venture. There in his home, Santa sits on his custom La-Z-Boy, complete with cup holders, back massager and butt warmer. Pondering by the fire, his mind tosses and turns, he takes a sip of Mrs. Clause’s special hot cocao (her secret ingredient is bourbon), and he sighs, “It’s almost Christmas and I’ve yet to come up with the perfect present for my Secret Satan this year, I want it to be special…I am Santa after all…oh whatever will I do!?” 

For hours he sits pensively, passing the time by watching his favorite movies, hoping, as most procrastinators do (why else do you think he always has to deliver all those presents in one night?) that inspiration will strike under pressure. After burning through several of his favorite Christmas movies —- Die Hard, Home Alone, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol —- Santa decides to watch his favorite movie of all: Robocop. 

Sure enough, before Alex Murphy can get his ugly mug mashed and covered in metal, it comes to him. “Aha! There must be a Robocop game I could get my dear friend from Fortress Ameritrash!” he bellows. And as jolly as can be, Santa frolics to his iPad, opens his Ebay ap, finds the game, and soon enough is cursing as he can’t remember his paypal password. “Why do all of these cockininny sites have different password requirements?!” Santa grumbles, “They’ll surely all get coal this year!” And with that, Santa touched one delicate obese finger to his cute button nose, and with a wink of his eye bought his buddy the greatest gift of all. The Robocop VHS Board Game.

Now I know what you’re wondering. ‘Why haven’t I heard of this obviously incredible board game?’ Well, lucky for you Santa let me borrow it before he sent it out to his Secret Satan, so I can tell you EXACTLY why you’ve never heard of this potentially fantastic game; Because it sucks. Bad. As a Christmas experience it’s maybe better than getting your hair pulled in a retail brawl by a middle aged mother trying to get her kid the last Tickle Me Elmo, of Furby, or Call Of Duty 27. Maybe. 

NOOOOOO WHYYYYY?! You ask. Well, to explain, I’d have to give you a brief overview of the game. So here I go. 

In Robocop The VHS Board Game, players will each get to control their own Robocop clone. They will roll a die, move their patrol car that many spaces, probably land on an empty space and end their turn, and sometimes land on a space that prompts them to search through the accompanying VHS for a ten second clip that will end in instructions like, “take one damage,” or, “arrest criminal.” When the latter occurs, you might assume it would be exciting and fun, but you’d be wrong. Because just in case you forgot (it is 2013), rifling through back to back video clips on a VHS can be clumsy and annoying. Very very annoying. 

That being said there are other things that happen in the game to give it more depth. Some board spaces prompt players to draw a card, which can do a variety of things, like make your fellow police officers strike while you do all their work for them and they eat infinuts (it’s like the Mobius Strip of donuts). In this case you cannot return to the police station space to heal until the strike ends. Great right?

But the existence of these cards is neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that using the limited technology of a bygone era has limited the fun factor of this game almost entirely. My friends and I were in fact so distraught by having to waste more time on the VHS than playing the game that we made it through one and a half rounds before calling it quits. But frankly that was more than plenty of time to derive a basic understanding of this simple game. Which turned out to be irrelevant anyhow since I’ll almost certainly never play it again.

So why am I reviewing this game if it’s not really worth playing? And why is Santa so excited for his Secret Satan? Find out next time on…..Dice Temple!

Psych. It’s because its the Robocop VHS Game fool.

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Thanks for reading Dice Temple! More reviews at dicetemple.tumblr.com. Questions, comments, concerns, and possible review inquiries (much appreciated!) can be sent to maloney_andrew_t(at)yahoo.com

There Will Be Games
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