Everything Barney does not watch Five Second Review – The Dark Tower

Everything Barney does not watch Five Second Review – The Dark Tower

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Lady KlisLady Klis   October 19, 2017  
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After Barney beat me to Cars 3, I when to see The Dark Tower. His comment on me going to see this movie was exactly this: “It’s going to be TERRIBLE.” It wasn’t though. As the movie starts, you are reminded how Stephen King’s novel adaptations are – a dark movie with someone “crazy” because they have dreams or visions. Nonetheless, this movie does a fantastic job at keeping you at the edge of your seat the entire hour and a half, except for one cheap trick that gets you entirely out of the movie… I seriously don’t get why screenwriters think it’s a good idea to pause all the action and put cliché dialogue between the two characters, so disappointing.


Matthew McConaughey did a wonderful job at playing the bad guy in this movie. It even disturbs you how good he is sometimes (Barney says the only thing disturbing is knowing that Death drives a Lincoln). What I liked most about the movie is that it makes you think and listen, they cut out moments where someone like me would try to predict what will happen (i.e “She going to die, she going to die!!”) and it leaves you hanging, adding to the suspense. The film answers most of the questions through different parts of the movie, but there are still some things that could be explained better, so just be ready to be a bit confused.

Overall, it’s a great movie because you feel tense the entire time as the action sequences keep coming at you… I don’t know if they tuned up the AC during a scene in the movie, but you can feel the forest breeze and mist at some point, very cool.

Heart Rating: 3.5

Brain Rating: 3.5

 

Posted: 20 Oct 2017 13:09 by Michael Barnes #256082
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Huh, I just started reading these books...I read the first three long ago, the recent flurry of interest in the movie had me remembering to go back and read them. Have you read the books? How does this compare? I think I heard this isn't really an adaptation, more of an extension of the first book. Which is...doofy.
Posted: 20 Oct 2017 13:20 by Mad Dog #256084
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This movie reminded me of the standard 80's style movie where a kid goes to alternate world and meets the last action hero type of thing. I thought it was pretty lame and made me glad I never read the books. There was only one quick scene in the entire thing that I thought was good.
Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]
Posted: 20 Oct 2017 14:53 by Lady Klis #256088
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Michael Barnes wrote:
Huh, I just started reading these books...I read the first three long ago, the recent flurry of interest in the movie had me remembering to go back and read them. Have you read the books? How does this compare? I think I heard this isn't really an adaptation, more of an extension of the first book. Which is...doofy.

I didn't read the books, no, but I saw that there Dark tower was one of many books of the same series. I actually though it was an adaptation of the first book, thanks for the clarification :)
Posted: 20 Oct 2017 17:05 by Joebot #256104
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Lady Klis wrote:
Michael Barnes wrote:
Huh, I just started reading these books...I read the first three long ago, the recent flurry of interest in the movie had me remembering to go back and read them. Have you read the books? How does this compare? I think I heard this isn't really an adaptation, more of an extension of the first book. Which is...doofy.

I didn't read the books, no, but I saw that there Dark tower was one of many books of the same series. I actually though it was an adaptation of the first book, thanks for the clarification :)
No, it's definitely not an adaption of the first book, which is a damn shame, because that would have been awesome. Instead, the movie (which I haven't seen) pulls bits and pieces from several of the books in the least-interesting way possible.

It drives me nuts when Hollywood execs buy the rights to weird, unique properties like the Dark Tower books, only to immediately remove all the things that made them weird and unique.

Just go read the books instead. The first four are great. The fifth is okay. The six is garbage. The seven is ... well, I'll just say "controversial" and leave it at that.
Posted: 20 Oct 2017 23:19 by Vlad #256122
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I did not read another Stephen King's book after the last Dark Tower. Agreed with Joe that the first three were readable. Actually, the 2nd is better than the 1st and the third I liked a lot. After that the series go downhill in a truly spectacular way. I could not stop reading, because I was too invested in it at that point, but it was the closest experience to watching a trainwreck. The last book I still remember (and that was like 15 years ago) almost in painstaking detail. It was so ridiculously self-indulgent, lazy, uninspired, incoherent and campy that it is basically a work of art.
There is no way those last 2-3 books could have been adapted to any medium (except maybe by Jodorowsky or Rockstar Games).

Spoilers of my favorite moments:
Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]
Posted: 22 Oct 2017 11:59 by drewcula #256164
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Huh. I completely disagree with this five second review.
The Dark Tower is a horrible adaptation.
The Dark Tower is a horrible movie.
And frankly, the books ain't that good either.

As far as adaptations, the movie is a 90 minute bastardization of books 1,3,5,6, and 7. King is notorious for word vomit and excess, but really - cutting 2K words into a 90 minute film is preposterous.

As a movie on it's own legs, it's dumb as fuck. Pacing, editing, dialogue... It's rubbish. The action sequences are fine, though completely unoriginal. Lead actors of notable skill are completely squandered.

And the books? Similar to Barnes, I stopped after book 3 many years ago. Last year, I started over. I wrapped all 7, and the cash grab bullshit called the 'Wind in the Keyhole.'(?) over the summer. I even read the concordance and nonfiction pieces from King's assistants. Summary? It's pretty frail. Self indulgent meandering that I found myself compelled to read because of my fascination with King's hubris. It wasn't all bad, but even the best bits were mediocre King. I'll say, book four was the best. But even 'Wizards and Glass' was just a western pastiche.

Vlad and I need to get a drink at some point.
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 01:54 by SuperflyTNT #257518
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I just saw this. Good film. I assume it’s a teaser to make people want to read the series, like a sort of very expensive marketing campaign, but I liked it and so did my wife. Action wasn’t over the top and the only thing that rubbed me wrong is that the Man In Black seemed like Matthew McConnahay (sic) felt that Wolf of Wall Street was the direction to go with a fucking interplanar sorcerer.

I wish less people who had read the books watched it because it clearly tanked due to their desire to see a very deep and broad series distilled into 90 minutes, an impossible task and a setup for disappointment at best.
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 08:46 by Black Barney #257523
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Ive seen many clips of this now and can’t believe how bad it seems to be. Matthew especially wasn’t very good
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 08:50 by SuperflyTNT #257524
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He is...and I cannot understand why. He sounds like a used car salesman versus the prince of darkness.

Another thing that irrititates me is that Idris has an American/ish accent sort of and a sort of hybrid American/Brit accent which sounded like the 1950’s movie version of Americans using bad Russian or German accents.

Why not just be British. The guy was apparently a descendent of King Arthur... and he’s a Brit actor..
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 09:08 by Shellhead #257526
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I have learned to be wary of anything featuring Idris Elba. He is a cool guy and a fine actor, but apparently doesn't read scripts before jumping onto projects. Prometheus was ruined by the script. Luther was poorly written. I liked the Thor movies, but his part always seemed like a jarring cameo, due to absence of any other minorities in Asgard. On top of that, the Dark Tower series went downhill after the first two books. So I passed on this movie, and have no interest in the upcoming Dark Tower tv show.

What was wrong with the books? The first one was great, as a desolate tone poem in a weird western setting. The Drawing of the Three was ambitious and interesting. The Wastelands was also interesting, until the whole tedious business involving Blaine the Train. That annoying sing-songy poem went on way too long, and the whole buildup became as obnoxious as Brad Pitt shouting What's In the Box? I tried to read Wizard and Glass, but stalled out early on, bored. Things that I heard about the later books were comically bad, and left me with no desire to continue.
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 10:30 by SuperflyTNT #257538
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I really liked Luther, and he was great in The Wire. Not sure what you mean.
Posted: 13 Nov 2017 12:48 by Shellhead #257551
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SuperflyTNT wrote:
I really liked Luther, and he was great in The Wire. Not sure what you mean.

Forgot to mention The Wire. Elba is fantastic on The Wire, which is also the greatest tv show that I have ever seen.

Luther is a disappointing show. It seems cool, because Elba is cool and London has so many great locations. But the stories are idiotic rubbish. For example, respected police detective gets stabbed through the hand by a criminal. Does the rest of the police force kick down that guy's door and beat him within an inch of his criminal life? Uh, no, because Detective Luther doesn't tell anybody because stupid plot reason. At other times, Luther makes these amazing intuitive deductions, but even by Sherlock Holmes standards, they are thin, stupid, plot reasons that don't quite make sense. They must have the British version of Damon Lindelof leading the writing team.

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