Last Thursday, I was sitting in our living room in a chair that provides Heroscape-level line of sight directly into my 10-year old's room. I <<thought>> I saw my daughter's friend putting my daughters little pink purse loaded with DS games into her bookbag.

I just figured it was that my daughter was loaning her the purse, or maybe a couple of games or something. Didn't think twice about it.

Well, my daughter asked me about it last night, if I knew where her DS purse is. I told her I didn't know, to look for it. It's nowhere to be found, as I suspected. I then asked her if she loaned the stuff to this kid (who happens to be one of her best friends) and she said that she hadn't. I told her what I saw, and she said, "Well that makes sense, I guess, because on Friday I asked her for a pencil and she told me 'NO, don't look in my bookbag!'"

So, I'm a little vexed here. Part of me wants to go to her house and raise some hell with the parents, but if I do that, it's both assured that they will not be friends anymore, and that she will deny it, thereby removing any hope of recovery.

The sane part wants to go up there and 'gingerly' ask if she "accidentally grabbed the purse" when she was getting ready to go.

Any advice?

My advice is: Wait for Sag to respond.

I find these kind of scenarios really undecideable. But if I had to do something I would do what you say here:

SuperflyTNT wrote:


I bet if you keep the tone light and smiley, you'll be able to rescue the goods and salvage the little friendship. Hopefully the kid's parents will clue in on what you're doing and facilitate the diplomatic solution (rather than get high and mighty and either defend their little angel or berate their little devil).

On second thoughts, this:

Schweig! wrote:

You need to go to the house, confront the girl, and get the bag back. I wouldn't knock yourself out about the friendship. It will either a) end, and you don't care because the girl is the kind of person that steals from "best friends," or b) not end--they're kids, right? Who cares?

The teaching moment for your daughter is confronting the girl. I probably wouldn't have done the whole, "I don't know, where /is/ your DS bag?" thing, but that's me.

PArt of that was subtext to get her to clean her damned room...but the other was that I didn't want her to learn the hard way that not everyone who claims to be your friend has your best intentions at heart.

We're definitely going to go down there this afternoon and sort it out, but I figure that the softer way is the best way to get it back. If I give the kid an out "I think you 'accidentally' took it" is better than the "you theiving little cunt, give it back" route.

It's delicate, as my daughter is uber-sensitive and I don't want to completely destroy her faith in humanity...hoping she would wait until her first boyfriend dumps her for that.

Head on AND delicate is how to handle it. It may even be a good idea to pull the parents aside before and tell them whats up. I am the dad of a boy who used to BE that thieving cunt...and was quite accepting when this was presented to me in good faith by another dad. We, parents that is, know that these things happen with kids and we all want to make the behaviour stop! Small pain now beats big pain later. Leave them to have the bigger chat and perhaps punishment...you just be all understanding yet firm.

My guess is all will work out when sensible people do sensible things.

How old?

Step 1 is make damn sure you have a good understanding of what happened. Don't plan on getting the games back. You might, but focus on the stealing issue instead. It's the moral high ground and is more difficult to respond to.

If what you saw is correct, nobody accidentally took anything and there was no misunderstanding. This is theft, it's shameful behavior, and the first thing you need to do is explain to your daughter that she's the victim of a shameful act. It's not a catastrophe, but it happens. She needs to be aware that people can be duplicitous. That's a conversation that happens within your family and you have firm control over that half of the problem. This is growth time. Like it or not your girl was taken advantage of and she needs to switch on the radar now so she doesn't end up in a holding cell because the ecstasy that she didn't buy and didn't even know about was found in her purse instead of her boyfriend's pocket.

You need to take a measure the girl's parents before deciding on an approach with them. Some are very receptive, some think princess can do no wrong. Here's what you can depend on -- the girl that took the games already has a story worked up that indemnifies her. She's going to sow doubt and confusion. Girls are different creatures. It's likely your daughter will be accused of lying and cheating, and things will get very muddy very quickly. He-said-she-said kind of stuff. It will damage the relationship between the two girls, and that's probably very good news. Straight up? That girl would never be allowed in my house ever again because "I don't allow shameful people to do shameful things in my house." Anything less is giving your daughter implicit permission to engage in similar behavior (and permit it in others.) I'm as aware as anyone else that the shameful-behavior line in real life is far fuzzier than that quote reveals, but at this age your kids need to see crisper edges. It's also a pretty solid message to the other girl that she needs to find someone else to rob next time.

My old next-door neighbor had a daughter that would not steal from her parents, but she would literally unlock the door to let friends in to steal instead. She seemed to consider that not-stealing.

S.

Shoot her

10, and 10, Sag. I agree on the "shameful act" analysis. I just don't want to damage a relationship upon false pretenses. It's 50 feet or so (I just laid floors..) from the chair to the room, and it's at an odd angle. I can't be SURE I saw it, but I can't be UNSURE, either.

Upshot is that it's gone, and my kid is FUCKED OFF.