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What my SECRET SATAN sent me!
Secret Satan 2011 blog/news article:
fortressat.com/index.php/fat-site-news/2...at-secret-satan-2011
Anyway, my secret SATAN package arrived a couple days ago. Totally NOT what I was expecting. AT ALL.
Whoever it was sent me the new Dragon expansion for TALISMAN, straight from Amazon. An included note from SATAN himself said he saw it on my BGG wishlist. He also gifted the most recent Humble Indie Bundle to me, including the gift url in the same note.
WTF did I do to get on Satan's good side?
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- Matt Thrower
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Aarontu wrote: WTF did I do to get on Satan's good side?
I don't want to know. But congratulations anyway. That's rather more pleasant than what I sent to my mark this year ...
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- Michael Barnes
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All kidding aside, that was very nice. I didn't partake in the Satan thing, but I would have a hard time sending someone a junkie game. I would have probably sent a shitty game along with something decent...maybe a few days later just to surprise them.
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Maybe next year I'll join, I can always use a box soaked in Kerosene.
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- Matt Thrower
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I look at the box. The box looks at me. It's obviously a package from Satan, but what's inside? That box could be big enough to hold an FFG coffin. What's at the top of my wish list, let's see: Runewars? Claustrophobia? This could be a fantastic Christmas!
Before we go any further I'd just like to extend my sincere thanks to Satan, regardless of what's inside, for paying shipping on this massive, heavy box from mainland Europe. I bet that wasn't cheap.
Time to open it:
WOAH! Someone has sent me an absolute motherlode of Russian porn! That'll keep me jacking off until 2013 at the least!
The blue thing turns out to be a copy of Viz. US readers may never heard of Viz: it's a very crude adult humour comic, and it's very funny. I haven't seen an issue in a long time and this one is embraced with great glee. A word to the wise: don't stay up late reading Viz comics and crying with laughter on a worknight. It doesn't aid restful sleep. Honestly, when it described Janet Street Porter as sounding like "a hysterical witch playing the kazoo in a dustbin" I almost wet myself.
The badgers are replicas of Apollo mission patches, all the way from NASA. Very F:AT. I've never been to the states but now I can pretend I have.
On closer inspection it appears that it's not Russian porn all the way down, which is an enormous disappointment. There seem to be some boardgames or some such rubbish underneath. Oh well. Better take a look I suppose.
What the hell? Two games I know nothing about. Well, I've heard of Illuminati but I've never played it. If it's a Steve Jackson game it's probably got about ten minutes worth of fun in a three hour play time. But it's totally Ameritrash and that combination makes it an excellent Satan choice. Respect.
Red Steel seems to be a wargame about a battle no-one has ever heard of in which the Romanian army is elevated to the status of the Wehrmacht Panzer divisions. It also deserves an award for the most garish counter design ever seen in a wargame:
Note the amusing play time of "1-12 hours" on the back of the box. Note also that it's unpunched. That's either a sign of great generosity on the part of Satan, or a sign that even the devil himself wouldn't bother punching this to play it.
There are more games underneath. At this point I couldn't care less about the quality, I'm just having tons of fun unpacking the box to see what's in it. This comes out next:
I suspect this may have been a Satanic choice as it's not a well regarded game. However as is so often the way, Satan's machinations have backfired. This is actually a game I've wanted to play for years: I identified it early on during my return to gaming but it eventually got pushed off my wish list due to newer, more interesting titles. I'm pretty stoked about getting a copy that I can try out. Plus it comes with some cool metal figures for me to paint.
There's one thing left in the box:
WOAH! Breakout Normandy! My #1 desired wargame! I know this was reprinted recently but L2 stuff is nigh-on impossible to get in the UK without paying international shipping and I figured I'd never see a copy. That's BRILLIANT! Thanks so much, Satan: I have permission to leave it out over the Christmas holidays for a solo run and I'm really, really looking forward to that.
Inside the Breakout Normandy box , there's one final surprise:
A Russian-English talking dictionary? What the hell is that all about?
At this point it dawns on me that what I'd taken for Russian porn is in fact a word puzzle magazine. In Russian. DAMMIT SATAN! The dictionary, I presume, is so I can solve the puzzles.
Ah well, if I finish my solo game of Breakout Normandy, I'll have something else to do over the holidays at least.
(I had an awesome time opening the box and looking through it, Satan, and I'm dead chuffed with the contents. Thanks a million!)
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