Michael Barnes's Dark Secret

Last night I had a dream that I went over to Michael Barnes's house. We didn't play anything, but we did put away a lot of games, at least until his wife told me I needed to leave.

But not before Barnes confessed a secret shame: his love for noted Christian music artist Michael W. Smith.

Then the whole thing turned into the theme from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I think I'm descending into not-playing-games madness.

This sounds a lot more like YOUR dark secret.

What CHRISTIAN MUSIC are you listening to?

Ha ha, this is really funny...because I did go through a little pre-teen phase where I got really worried about religion, so to speak, and I fell in with some kids that were really into Christian metal. They had a band and everything, but they also kind of shamefully listened to Slayer on the side- but with righteous disapproval, of course.

So yeah, for about six months or so I got really into Christian metal...this was around the time that there started to be REAL metal bands in that genre, not Stryper/Petra/Whitecross/etc. Like there was this band Vengeance that was a full-on death metal band- their record cover was a graphic closeup of Jesus' hand nailed on the cross. And there was Believer, who was a pretty technical thrash band. And The Lead, who proclaimed themselves as "Hardcore for Jesus". Trouble was a more mainstream doom rock band, but they were Christian. Scaterd-Few sounded like Janes Addiction. One Bad Pig was like what happens when a youth minister thinks he knows what punk rock is and tries to emulate it (hint- it winds up being about like when a sitcom tries to be topical/current). And then there were the novelty T-shirts- "Megalife through Prayer", with Megadeth and Slayer logos re-appropriated for holy purposes.

But the thing is, I was _Catholic_ and all of this stuff was fundamentalist protestant. I remember going to this one show when I was 13-14 years old and I was talking with some of the other God-metalheads there or whatever and when I said that I went to St. Thomas the Apostle, they acted like I said the Church of Satan. So really, this stuff wasn't compatible with my religious upbringing. A lot of these bands had anti-Catholic, anti-Vatican type songs.

There was, at the time, also all of this debate over whether Christian heavy metal was _possible_, or if it was actually Satan conspiring to lure kids into damnation through...Stryper. I'm not kidding. There is actually a Chick Tract about how Christian heavy metal is a tool of Satan.

So I was a smart enough kid that phase didn't last once that emotional stage waned...it did last long enough for me to make a denim vest with studs in the shape of a cross on it and a Sharpie "Kill Satan" message on it.

Some years later, in high school, I had a friend that was really into Christian "alternative" music...he begged me to go see this band called Mortal with him. They were kind of an ersatz Nine Inch Nails. There were what I guess you would call Christian goths at the show, which was pretty hilarious. The band admonished everyone to practice for the Rapture by jumping into the air during their songs. I was literally laughing at this entire display...wearing a Christian Death shirt that I think scared people there.I got some NASTY looks. Righteous ass motherfuckers.

So yes, your dreams did actually reveal a TRUE dark secret...I've never been ashamed of any music I've liked in my life EXCEPT all of that hate/fear/paranoia mongering garbage that is quite possibly the biggest cash-in/co-opt in the history of music. Christian rock music literally is the most death-worshipping music I've ever heard in my entire life.

Rock n' Roll is and always has been the devil's music. Hail Satan.

I was expecting the dark secret to be that Michael Barnes is also Professor Euro. It's like Clark Kent in reverse when he pops in that monocle.

As someone who still encounters a lot of Christian music on a regular basis, the biggest issue now is that it is the blandest most meaningless music out there. It basically assumes that "Christian" is the same thing as "inspirational." It all sounds like it's made by U2 cover bands. And yes, it's entirely made for mainstream evangelical audiences, though I believe it's a lot less confrontational now than it was when the likes of Stryper were around. Still, if you're into any kind of mainline or Catholic church, too bad.

I seriously cannot think of a funnier image than Michael Barnes talking about death metal on the F:AT boards, and then going home and listening to someone like Michael W. Smith, who is basically the Bryan Adams of Christian music.

Believe it or not, there are Christian black metal bands (which is about like saying there are Jewish Nazis)...and yes, they prefer to be termed "white metal".

Some years ago, I was exploring the late-1990s trend of power electronics/death industrial...all the Cold Meat Industries/Ant-Zen stuff. Lots of it blazinginly satanic. But I got a record by this one band, Mental Destruction, and it turns out it that it was like this Christian power electronics thing. I put it on eBay as "obscure Christian industrial" and I literally sold it for like four times what I paid for it.

Christian rock tries so hard for some kind of "credibility" that they break their back trying to look and sound like mainstream acts. That band One Bad Pig shows this better than anything else. They literally were as if a youth minister read about punk and thought he could put on a leather jacket and get a green mohawk, singing "tell me what you believe, Jesus or anarchy" and it would serve as a Christian alternative to The Exploited...but with a group of studio musicians trying to emulate the sound of punk rock.

As someone who identifies as Christian, I have absolutely no interest in 'Christian Music'. I'm real cynical though and think it's all just selling to a market and little more. Not surprised at all about the As I Lay Dying singer, saying they stayed with the Christian label for the money...though they were atheists (I never heard of that band before reading a recent article).

Anyway, beyond me unfairly questioning their motives...the music of what I have heard is outright dire and not inspirational at all. My wife and I were raised Catholic and I'm down with some traditional hymns or gospel songs, but for the past few years we've been attending a United Methodist service and they play this 'contemporary/pop' music and it's garbage. Honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed when the band plays or the congregation sings (with hands in the air). Not for me at all. However, we stick around because the people are good and provide a lot of services to lower-social economic groups which we're into.

This said, I _am_ interested in musicians/artists who aren't labelled by any sort of religious/spiritual thought, but being a part of their fabric it inspires their art. I'm referring to songwriters such as Brian Fallon of Gaslight Anthem, Brandon Flowers of The Killers, or Craig Finn of the Hold Steady (leaving out known/older heavyweights like Johnny Cash, Bruce Springsteen, or Phil Lynott). Their music is far more insightful or inspiring than the little I've heard from the Christian music scene.

EDIT: Correction. I've heard a few bands. Way back in the early 90's when the third wave of ska was starting to break a buddy was snatching up all he could. There were some Christian ska bands such as the Orange County Supertones in the mix and they were terrible. That's when I figured Christian music was more marketing and less substance. The Aquabats are quite good though, but again, they never labelled themselves as such.

Legomancer wrote:

I no longer identify as Christian.

It's absolutely true that the Christian angle is a marketing tool, because evangelical Christians love nothing better than to spend money to remind themselves that they are evangelical Christians. Hate to break it to all of these musicians, but they aren't reaching anyone other than people that already believe their drivel. "Preaching to the choir", indeed.

I'm actually quite spiritual but it is very internal and very private for me. I am vehementally ANTI-evangelical. Religion and spirituality should be a personal decision, not one "suggested" or "promoted" to you by someone who is communciating from a an assumed position of spiritual superiority where they believe they are educating (or saving) you. There's a special place in Hell for evangelists of ALL religions that presume that they are right and everyone else is wrong. It is a complete perversion of spirituality- real spirituality- that someone thinks they should instruct another as to what the "right" way to believe anything is.

I had this evangelical goon come up to me once and invite me to some "cool" youth ministry...I was wearing a Crass shirt, waiting in line to see the reissue of Return of the Jedi. I looked him in the eye and said "No way, because as it stands right now you think I'm going to Hell and that's a pretty shitty way to start a conversation".

I have absolutely no problem at all with artists like Cash, Elvis, even Bono that are religious and that informs what they do. That's the right way to go about it- spirituality and religion have been the foundation of tons of art, music and culture throughout history. But this whole "faith and praise" contemporary Christian music thing makes a complete mockery of genuinely spiritual artists communicating their personal experience with the sacred. When a band is PREACHING as much as they are PLAYING, it turns into this "look how righteous we are", which the Christian audience adores because it makes THEM feel righteous too. There is no integrity in it, no authenticity, no credibility. It's just as phony as the cartoonish devil shit in death metal.

And the money rolls in. Especially for these big names- Carmen, whatever.

Throwing up pictures of the kids...admitting to a level of spirituality...

I don't know you anymore,Barnes.

I'm a stuffy old Lutheran, and I hate when white non-denoms try to be a"cool" by introducing hip flavor savor creed screed.

Say your hail Marys, and be safe from evil.

Disclaimer: Stryper was a little bit awesome.

Hail Satan.

P.S. Johnny Cash was my 2nd cousin.

Michael Barnes wrote: It's absolutely true that the Christian angle is a marketing tool, because evangelical Christians love nothing better than to spend money to remind themselves that they are evangelical Christians.

And people don't understand why I compare nerds to them.