Own up, ungrateful b*tches!!! Satan's been to town

I received the package on Thursday of last week and The Boy brought my attention to it. When I told him it was my Secret Satan, his eyes lit up like a heretic ready to lose his soul for whatever treasures lay inside.





Grasping a pointy object and a nearby holy symbol, I perforated the seals and opened the box. I expected the smell of sulfur, but no such luck. I did, however, hear skitterings from within the hellish packing peanuts. Snatching the moving thing was easy. What I thought to be an imp was little more than rules for Haggis. Satan must want to toy with me, sending rules with no game.




Digging further, I found a tome of unknowable origin, some card sleeves, and a message from Scratch himself written on human skin transmogrified into copy paper.




He greeted me by misspelling my name, the dick. He further stated that the offerings in the box were checked against my collection, but it was obvious he didn't give a shit if there were duplications. Satan complained about overpaying flat rate from Hell, to which I remarked, "Suck it."

The rest of the message was written in a strange language. Was it Gaelic? Esperanto? Then I realized that the letters were jumbled. I set the missive aside to plumb the depths of the nightmarish box.

I returned my attention to the tome, which was a copy of Spielbox magazine. "Here, Boy, enjoy reading this." The promo cards were missing, presumably used as toilet paper to wipe the Red One's ass.




Breaking through the peanuts like disinterring zombies, a quartet of comic books surfaced. The Man with the Screaming Brain (The Boy and I actually liked these and are keeping them).




There was a faint trill of bagpipes as I thrust my hand back into the package and pulled out Haggis - thankfully not the dish.. That would have been nasty. So, Satan decided to gift me with the game after all! Putting the rules with it, I delved back into the box.







A shiny metal box caught my eye and I fished it out. It was Coup - set in The Resistance canon. Upon opening it, I discovered that it had no rules or money, and apparently the game's creator is a dick and did not put the rules up in PDF. Bummer.




The next box drawn from Hell's asshole was a card game called Master of Rules - a mishmash of Fluxx, Uno, what have you. I knew the game, every good gamer did. But, I wasn't going to play it right away.





A low whistle and a puff of nigricant smoke issued from the bottom of the box. Grabbing for the fume maker, I saw the subtle hint of what lay in store for me in the afterlife - Hell Rail. Guess Big Red wanted me to get acquainted with the transportation system down there.





The buzz of lightsabers sounded and I pulled out the last box. Star Wars: Ep. I Clash of Lightsabers game. Albeit being the shittiest Star Wars movie, the game made up for it by focusing on the best part.





Inventory complete, I sat down and deciphered the hellish riddles left by Dispater. This is what I found:


Coup has no money or rules.
It has an expansion character.
That character is broken.
Haggis is inferior to Chimera as Tichu for three.
The comics are a re-gift from another fortress poster.
No promo cards in the magazine.
The Mascarade promo is in the expansion anyway.
The Star Wars game is also a re-gift.
Hell Rail is better than it looks.

For some reason I love it when Satan sends incomplete stuff...that is just so assholy. Hopefully one day Satan will send something like Wallenstein without the tower.

Hellrail is pretty good...I played it a bit back in its day. Some cool stuff in it. Clash of the Lightsabers is pretty decent too.

Overall, a pretty merciful package. No lame celebrity appearances, unless you count Darth Maul as being on par with Bea Arthur and Tony Randall.

It would have been deeply satisfying to include a game called "Master of Rules" and then not include any of the games' rulebooks.

Cool post Rliyen, I even learned a few new words (nigricant, Dispater).

Columbob wrote: Cool post Rliyen, I even learned a few new words (nigricant, Dispater).

Gotta use my college edjumacation for something.

Several days ago a package arrived at my house. Rather than being left in the usual manner, this appeared to have been thrown at my door from great height, I knew who sent it, and dreaded it's contents.


Hmm...promising


I'm not sure what this means, I've never been terribly interested in manliness, half expecting this was sent to the wrong person, I dug in.


Sounds cool, but probably just a virus. I'll try it out on a government computer first.


A cigar box with some books about being a man or something.


A Marvel overpower hat (?), fits kind of tight but it works.


A tin shaped like a fucking foot. Great.


Though it's contents didn't disappoint.


What's this?? A pile of IMAGE Overpower starters?? Two notes, first is OP was the first CCG I ever played, so I have a lot of nostalgia for this game. Second, this Image set is extremely rare! Finally my bad deeds have been rewarded!


Hmm, I'm glad this has easy to understand instructions, I don't remember exactly how to play.


Wait, what?! The instructions are in freakin Chinese?!

On top of this, upon going through the starters, 11 of the 12 were filled with power cards. For those unfamiliar with this game, power cards are to OP as lands are to Magic.

Some of this stuff is really cracking me up!

OVERPOWER! Wow. Sad.

I love that you mostly got the power cards...because that's just about the only English word in the instructions. BRILLIANT!

If that is a picture of you wearing the Overpower hat, it looks like you didn't need any manliness instruction...that moustache is about all you need.

You might want to get a sleeve for that limited edition Sasquatch trading card.

Well, I didn't want to tear apart the coupon so it'd remain MINT, so I put an order in for one of these

Allismom, your package is in the ass end of VA. You should get it by Friday... Hee hee hee.