Own up, ungrateful b*tches!!! Satan's been to town

So I'm here at work, fresh off a few doughnuts from this morning's meeting chomping on a chili dog getting ready to enter payroll when my UPS guy walks in saying there was "something" out back with my name on it. As I'm walking back I'm lightly chit-chatting about wondering what it was not expecting anything, and as I approached the FFG logo jumped off the box and I still couldn't figure out what it was.

Only when I saw the ThoughtHammer (Halloween Edition) sticker, and the words "Prepare thyself, Von Tush" echoed throughout my cranium did I finally realize what my hands were reaching, instinctively and without thought, towards. Before I could reel back the box was in my hand and I felt it guiding me back towards my office.



I set the box to the side and tried to push it's thoughts from my mind having a deadline to enter payroll. The lure was strong, but the thought of 50 employees hunting me down tomorrow wondering where their checks were was a stronger force, but barely. As I entered in hours my stomach became uneasy. I kept glancing at the box unsure if the queasiness was from the hot dogs or from the box that seemingly at every glace became more oppressive and suffocating. As I closed my computer and readied the camera to document what potentially would be my last living moments on this planet I took a deep breath and steeled myself for what was to come.



Spawn from the depths of hell lunged at me as I pulled back the box flaps. A co-worker poked their head into my office wondering what caused the sudden gasp of air. I nervously chuckled and dismissed them saying that it was nothing.

Only a minion of the dark arts uses a game box as packing material!





As I tossed the cursed box aside I reached for a tissue to grab some formerly fluid soaked Avalon Hill catalog. I once again was unsure if the smell was the aforementioned chili dog or something else, something not of this world, causing the stink. Next to the Avalon Hill catalog was a VHS copy of Casino which is a movie I have always wanted to see. My hope is that there was a VHS player deeper in the box.

I then pulled out a folded board, a really nice board in fact, that I can only assume tracks one's progress towards insanity. It's actually a really nice board with some atmospheric art but Satan knows his craft for I don't recognize the game! And I feel a compulsion to know more, but as I fold the board a vision of myself, old and feeble, sitting in a pile of my own filth in front of a computer seeking and searching endlessly pops into my vision. I shudder and put the board away trying to distance myself from further thoughts about it.



Next is what I assume was Satan's joke, two things I already have! Risk: Battlefield Rogue, undoubtedly fresh from a Target Clearance. As well as Merick Farrow, the flame throwing tool of the Dark Overlord of Descent. Just at that moment a co-worker walked by and I quickly thrust Risk into his hand as I performed the Stations of the Cross as a half-arsed attempt at severing the evil bond between sender and game. Perhaps potentially good deed will provide some boost to my sanity.





What follows next is once again Satan going to the darkest corners of my brain and pulling out memories long forgotten. I love Thunder Road, I love battling cars, even to the point where my friend and I made a ruleset using Matchbox cars and bits from our 40k days to trick out rides and go into vehicular combat. I was getting excited thinking that perhaps Satan was kind, outside of the packaging things looked fairly new, chits had fallen out but many were unpunched, but that quickly allowed me to realize that about 1/3rd of the counters were missing!

As I flipped over the box is disappointment I realized that it likely was for the better, as I realized that it was Andy Worhol and Michael Stivic driving the car.



But alas I must continue this tale at a later sitting. For further down the contents have rattled me to the core and I must occupy myself with work and distract my mind.

seems like a pretty good haul to me. Risk Battlefield rogue is supposed to be quite good.

DukeofChutney wrote: seems like a pretty good haul to me. Risk Battlefield rogue is supposed to be quite good.

Yeah, it's been good so far. I just started looking at that Highway 2000, it is a good thing that there is an order from because there's no rules or tables! $3.00 with .75 cents for shipping seems like a steal.

Also included on the order form is errata, here is an excerpt:
IIIG2g: A vehicle that has crashed, regardless of why, has lost all function and cannot steer or shoot.

VB&C: The new cards are rolled for on the encounter table. (It'd be nice if I had one of those!)

And I'd love to see the rules just to figure out the numbering system. Honestly though, I think I'm just going to cut and frame the cover, the thing is in a word: Majestic.

The Risk: Battlefield Rogue thing worked out pretty well. As I was going through everything a co-worker who has two boys (10 and 8) was wondering what I was doing so I was able to pass that along to him. He was really excited so that moment alone was worth participating in SS this year.

Now that my nerves have settled allow me to continue.
Through the entire process the bottom of the box covered by Clue Museum Caper was staring at me. One of the last things I noticed was a book called "Ghosts".



Upon closer inspection I discovered this was part of a Time Life Series of books! And once again I thought to my childhood and reading through my parents "Normal" Time Life series (in fact I think I still have the space one kicking around somewhere). Satan has pointed me towards the quest of procuring these tomes. Seriously, this thing is pretty darn cool and I'd like the run.

As I pulled out Clue I discovered that what I thought was the bottom was in fact false! Below Clue was the fabled Expansion to the Expansions. It's box swollen and bulging obviously struggling to hold back pure, concentrated evil.



As I lifted though expecting the weight of hundreds of FFG cards I almost smacked myself in the face. As I was ready to curse yet another box used for packing material I felt things rattle around on the inside.



First off, Satan must have known it was doughnut and chili dog day at my work because included in the white box was a pedometer.



I then extracted the CD only to see my name written in what I assume to be Imp blood. Talking about me getting back to work. As if it knew I was slack-assing on a board game forum all day.



And then the letter explained it all. Apparently there are schematics for some construct that I am to build 1,000 of to deliver to BGG.con. But curse you Satan for my IT department is plagued by nepotism and my CD drive has never worked! So I now must bring your "plans" into my home to complete the task.



Transcript:

Minion VonTush
By opening this package, you have de facto agreed to enter into my servitude for one year. The details of your agreement follow:

-Produce 1,000 units as described by the enclosed specs (see CD)
-Deadline: October 31st, 2015
-Ship to BGG.con (Dallas, USA)
-These units are ONLY for the bonfire; no sales are to be made.

1,000 units is a little less than 3 per day; which should not be difficult for one such as yourself. Failure to comply will not be tolerated.
~The Dark One

As I quaked at the task at hand, at the bottom of the box, mocking me is the Fluxx expansion pack with Ernie smugly grinning at me, knowing that my soul is damned (for at least the next year).




Prologue:
Though unintentional it was pretty funny going though the box - So many things brought me back years and actually a lot of fond memories. So thank you Satan for that! A lot of things made me smile I'm sure much to your shagrin, especially Clue Museum Caper. My buddy growing up had a copy and I always wanted to play but usually it was just us or we found ourselves finding something else to play. So that was fun.


Post Script:
CURSES! For there are no rules to Clue Museum Caper!

Ooh, the Thoughthammer box is a spooky, ghostly touch...

Satan does it again, I LOVE it when you guys get incomplete stuff...that is my favorite thing, next to the autographed Goofy picture from a few years ago and the Jessica Hahn Playboy. Something about that just cracks me up. "Hey, alright...wait..."

Those Time Life Enchanted World books rule, I still have all of them from when I used to work in the public library. Well, I mean, no one was going to check them out...

The pedometer...that is eerie given your gluttony today...

Secret Satan wrote: Allismom, your package is now in New Jersey, The Toll Booth State. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

It's making good time up the River Styx. I should have another day or 2 to prepare the containment field.

Michael Barnes wrote: The pedometer...that is eerie given your gluttony today...

Yeah, this weeks is bad. Thurs are our production meetings and that comes with doughnuts. I'm sporadic with them, today I skipped breakfast though. Then the chili-dog thing only happens about twice a year. Then our receptionist bakes a birthday cake for the office for all the birthdays of the month. Then tomorrow one of our vendors is bringing in his fellow Shriners to cook up a sausage, egg and french toast breakfast.

This week is the perfect storm of calories. Going to need that pedometer soon.

EDIT: HAHAHA! So, I go up to my old office to hunt down a box to mail out my niece and nephew's Christmas gifts and what do I uncover as the perfect box?!? An old Thoughhammer Box I had kicking around! The season of magic.

I need you healthy so you can finish your work order -- hence the pedometer.

Of course, I knew that your office would not have working CD drives -- I wanted the anticipation to fill you with wonder and dread.

Had a box from Southern Satan waiting for me when I got home today. My wife was asking what was in it but I took it to the Room of Doom to open it to make sure it was acceptable to share with a delicate soul.





(Talisman (Black Industries edition), Mythos two player starter, Kill Doctor Lucky Deluxe, and small box LOTR: The Confrontation )


No anomalies that I can detect, although the industrial grade shrink wrap on the Mythos proved impervious to all attempts to open it.

Thanks Satan!

I miss my LOTR: The Confrontation small box. You lucky bastard.