Let's Talk...Facebook

FB and FB Messenger are generally a requirement for me to keep in touch with people. I speak to my sis and mom on FB than on the phone. The reverse is also true of them. We have never been big phone people, so the messenger is quite a boon.

I am also head of officiating and part time coach for the roller derby league I ref for. FB is a necessity to keep tabs on our league members and fellow leagues.

I have a friend that hates puns, so it is great fun to inundate his wall with terrible pun memes.

The wife and I go back and forth - from being pretty absorbed to deleting it from our phones.

She's taken the next step and wants to see what her life is like without it - so apparently you can just remove yourself altogether without nuking it (so your stuff's still there if you want to rejoin). She wanted to reduce the noise in her life in general. A good explanation of where she's at: thoughtcatalog.com/cameron-chang/2015/12...agic-of-being-quiet/

I'm likely to join her, but we'll see. I may just take it off my phone. I either came up with or inadvertently stole the phrase "habitual distraction" but that's exactly what its become.

I've always liked Facebook for its ability to organize events, hold discussions as groups, and share stuff. It does require some pretty studious trimming of your permissions, who sees what, etc. I've only ever unfriended a couple of people, the most recent being a college friend who would use anything I posted about non-violence (since I'm studying conflict resolution) as an excuse to tell me why the Bible instructs us to carry a gun. And he would argue with people long into the night. So he got blocked.

I do try to be careful about not just cutting off everyone who disagrees with me, though the temptation is there. It's easy to make a sounding board for your own ideas, but I try to resist that.

Lately it's been really useful because I have three or four groups of like-minded folks on there. A couple are local gaming groups, and a couple are within my denomination. Those have been really good ways to have discussions on games and religion that I don't feel I can have in public forums.

I like FB.

THE GOOD

It's one of my main sources for news, arts/culture stuff, and finding out what interesting events are going on my city. Many folks on my feed post good articles that I would never have found browsing on my own. I also really appreciate knowing what's going on with my friends, and I like sharing unusual or noteworthy experiences -- like this one I posted yesterday:

Today was different. I taught tai chi to 300+ kids grades 6-12. Before I was given the stage, one of the teachers led them through a 'mindfulness' exercise about eating: he handed out candy and asked them to 'mindfully' savour it as the sugar zipped through their restless bodies. I then had 30 minutes with them. And a neck mic that didn't work. So, tai chi today was kinda like a mosh pit. Reminds me of a taoist story of how a monk was told he could attain enlightenment not at the tranquil summit of a mountain, nor by gazing out at the still surface of lake, but in the middle of a playground in a big city with kids flying at you from all sides. (Aside: I like to think that a similar point is made in Fury Road, when Furiosa realizes that she can reach the safe haven only by returning to the heart of the citadel). But I think we came through alright to the other side, and there was a moment towards the end when it seemed like they were getting into it. Probably just the sugar crash though.

THE BAD

FB does throw a bit of gas on existing tensions in my relationship with my spouse and makes talking about those tensions more complicated sometimes. My spouse isn't on FB, but she gets jealous if I banter too much with women on FB, or if female friends I have post glam-shot selfies too much and I click 'like'. She sees that as disrespectful of her regardless of what I say or what the situation is. Anyway, we've reached an agreement whereby I will not banter back and forth with women or like their selfies. So, I just need to not reply to some comments or whatever, and things are okay. No big deal. Still, it's easy for me to to forget that agreement and then there's drama.

Edit: it can also be hard to keep worlds divided sometimes. My high school friends are much more right wing than the friends I've made in the past 15+ years, who are very left wing. That can be a delicate balance to maintain.

Hatchling wrote: Edit: it can also be hard to keep worlds divided sometimes. My high school friends are much more right wing than the friends I've made in the past 15+ years, who are very left wing. That can be a delicate balance to maintain.

True that. Which is weird, as most of the guys I was raised in HS were nowhere near right wing back then. I laugh everyday when my coke head brother who never wnet to church and who got kicked out of the military for drug use posts shit like "respect our troops" and "parents these days are weak" and "drug tests for welfare losers" and "put Jesus back in school". I'm like WTF.

Hatch, as an outsider I think you should just drop FB completely. It'll be good for your marriage and all the stuff you're getting from "THE GOOD" of FB can be easily replaced by other sources.

Seems like a super small and insignificant sacrifice that will make your marriage better. Looking back, I wish I made sacrifices that were easy like that.

Your spouse's beef isn't with what you think of those pictures. It's what everyone else will think you are thinking of her. It's a respect thing. It doesn't mean she doesn't trust you.

I'm not judging at all here. Just trying to help.

Stupid edit button

i hope not all pot heads grow up to be coke heads

ubarose wrote: The quality of your experience on Facebook is dependent upon the quality of the people on your list.The people on my list are awesome. Today, I'm still laughing to myself over pictures a couple of them posted of themselves teching a show in a theatre without any heat. Also, my dad tried to take a picture while riding his bicycle and hit video by accident and it's funny as hell. So, yeah, not a lot of superior attitudes or unpleasant politics, or carefully cultivated internet personas on my Facebook.

This is exactly how I feel about Facebook, except that a lot of people on my friend list are absent instead of awesomely entertaining. When I first joined Facebook, I accepted invites from many people, including family, friends, acquaintances, fellow gamers, former classmates, former roommates, and even people that I only knew from online forums. I also sent invites to the same kinds of people. The only people that I never friend are ex-girlfriends and current co-workers. I also belong to three hobby-related groups. And I follow a few bands, companies, or celebs.

LIKES: Funny memes, pictures, and videos. Interesting videos. Comments on current events, as long as they don't get too polarizing. Breaking news, major life events and pictures involving my FB friends. Discussion of hobby interests. A good quote, especially from a historical or literary figure. Event invitations and notifications. Cute pictures or videos involving animals. Links to interesting articles.

DISLIKES: Hate speech. Extreme political tirades. Vaguebooking, especially when it has an ominous tone. Pictures of the meal someone is about to eat. Trolling. Catfishing. Sexy pictures of the celebrity that you fantasize about while fapping.

I have only unfriended or unfollowed maybe a half dozen people over the years, and several other people have unfriended me. As a result, I am generally entertained or at least in a good mood when looking through my Facebook feed. And some of the most entertaining people in my feed have were mere acquaintances when I first friended them. I moved 600 miles away from where I grew up, and various people have moved even farther away, so Facebook is a great way to potentially keep at least a little in touch with a variety of people from my past. I just wish that more of my Facebook friends would post a little more. I am grateful for the sporadic event invites that I get, because they offer a break from the times when I get stuck in routine stuff like work and chore for weeks at a time.

Looking at Shells dislike list is exactly why I'm not on Facebook Anymore. I avoid all those things in real life so if Facebook is supposed to be something fun and relaxing, why would I spend my free time in a place mimicking real life except with no consequences for crappy behavior ?

I prefer the Fort since jerky stuff gets reigned in and people are less prone to just pop off since we're all buddies.

Seems like a super small and insignificant sacrifice that will make your marriage better. Looking back, I wish I made sacrifices that were easy like that.

Article in Business Insider, your one stop shop for relationship advice.

Link goes to an article about John Gottman and small thinks couples can do to build intimacy. It's pretty good. Reading it, it's a miracle I'm still married.

Jesus Craniac, what an article. It seems like they wrote it a little too long when they could have said that marriages live and die with communication. That's all that article is saying (but being very specific). If the communication is bad, everything is bad.

The thing that scares me is that I read that article and I recognize myself as being "active destructive" in my failed marriage. But I wasn't like that in the first few years. I was totally active constructive. So did I devolve to that state because I was unhappy in that relationship, am I doomed to that same curve in any long-term relationship? I hope not. How the heck do you stay active constructive. Cuz honestly, if I was active constructive about my ex's drug problems or spending problem, I think I would have been dishonest and I never wanted to be dishonest with my wife.

Holy crap is marriage tough.

Black Barney wrote: Jesus Craniac, what an article. It seems like they wrote it a little too long when they could have said that marriages live and die with communication. That's all that article is saying (but being very specific). If the communication is bad, everything is bad.

The thing that scares me is that I read that article and I recognize myself as being "active destructive" in my failed marriage. But I wasn't like that in the first few years. I was totally active constructive. So did I devolve to that state because I was unhappy in that relationship, am I doomed to that same curve in any long-term relationship? I hope not. How the heck do you stay active constructive. Cuz honestly, if I was active constructive about my ex's drug problems or spending problem, I think I would have been dishonest and I never wanted to be dishonest with my wife.

Holy crap is marriage tough.

I'm far from a relationship expert, but:

I think it requires both people to stay active constructive -- one person can carry the relationship through short, tough times -- but the long-term strategy has to be mutual engagement.

I think the kindness is a big part of it. We think of it as always trying to be the one that serves their spouse the most (which is really just a form of active constructive). Once again, if that is mutual, then it works very well because you always feel supported. As soon as it becomes lopsided for too long, disaster ensues. And, as you say, I think that all of that hinges on communications and mutual respect.

yeah, you said it.

I think the mind-block I need to get past is that to be positive constructive, you need to be dishonest and disingenuous sometimes since that will go further than being negative (or being unkind). Seinfeld once said it really well in an interview where he said you're basically the other person's cheerleader. He gives this great anecdote if a married couple returning home from a party. The husband is driving and no one is saying anything. Finally the wife says, "well, I thought it was a very funny joke."

I love that story. Obviously the husband said something inappropriate at the party and it created some sort of chill and they had to leave the party, or that is what is primarily on their mind on the way home. So the wife says this incredibly nice thing (even though it's surely not true) just to make him feel better. That's a good marriage anecdote. I didn't really do any of that myself but I totally get why that's important. You provide a reliable emotional shelter for your partner. It's important.

Dr. Mabuse wrote:

Black Barney wrote: ...ah wait, I think I do fall into that stat in the end. I was showing our girl a game on my ex's iPad when this FB message came in from her sister. Basically saying that her and our girl would be much happier and better off if I was dead. So I asked my ex about it and it led to a conversation that had her asking for a separation.

fock that FB noise. Ugh, I hate reliving these moments.

That brought instant tears.

My brother gets his wife's messages on his iPhone, unbeknownst to her. She has been messaging my other brother's wife (recently divorced) and complaining about their husbands and their ADHD. I think another divorce is on the horizon.

I completely deleted my FB account about two months ago but recently had to get my son to a Scout campout and all the information was on FB so I rejoined. I feel kind of dirty, but I'm not as addicted to it as I was and people don't seem to be using it as much.

www.facebook.com/markeugenecrane <--I immediately unfollow almost everyone.