Old Guys: Are You Angry?

I'm almost fifty. Every guy around my age seems to show signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, withdrawal, and simmering anger. Is it because our testosterone is dropping? It's like there is a plague. I tried generic Wellbutrin but it sucks. I jump at loud noises and feel nervous around crowds of students, and spend a lot of time in my office with the door shut. I think I'll try meditation or yoga, but I have to reverse this trend towards worsening anxiety. It also affects my sleep, causing me to wake up at 5:00 a.m. after 5.5 hours or so on bad days. Have any of you had experience with this? I think computers are doing this to us.

my doctor says yoga or mindfullness meditation. They are the only two things he recommends for this. he says exercise is really important too.

It sounds like it's stress causing it, Craniac.

I'm not angry, but going through a recent custody battle in court (even though I won), i find myself starting down a path where I might be hating women. i really hope that's not happening. I like girls a ton, but i'm really hating family law. REALLY hating it.

I'm glad you kept custody. That must have been agonizing.

I'm 44, but I do see signs of this happening to me. I've definitely seen it in my dad even though he vehemently denies it, which is pretty typical of how a lot of men deal with this. I do believe there's some kind of physiological change happening on top of the normal life changes that contribute to this (e.g. chronic ailments pop up, losses of loved ones, etc.). I don't believe it's necessarily a male thing, but men are just more stubborn and they're less likely to do anything about it.

Whatever the case, the first step is to recognize it and admit it's happening. Next is dealing with it. I think you guys have hit on some good ways to deal with it. On top of exercise and yoga/meditation, my doctor has also advocated using supplements like Vitamin D and a multivitamin. I think getting therapy is also good. I had a lot of anxiety after college and getting therapy helped then. Also, find something to do where you can hang out with likeminded folks just so you can get away from all the anxiety triggers. It's more important that you're social with people you enjoy hanging out with than what you actually do each time.

I've become less angry, actually, as I've aged. I've kind of realized that every fight isn't important and that nothing will change anyhow, no matter how hard I fuss. Perhaps I've resigned myself to irrelevance in the "big picture". To me, nothing is worth losing friends or sleep over, so shit doesn't bother me like it used to.

I think getting sick kind of re-established my morality and acceptance that life is a transient state. I've always sought to be a better guy today than yesterday and leave the world a better place tomorrow than today, but now I'm realizing that it's more the details that count...the touching individual lives versus making big impacts.

Yeah, I"m on that end of it, too. I'm FAR less angry than I used to be. On the one hand, it's a lot better for those around me (it makes me squirm to hear my GF talk about her ex- (who's still kind of a pernicious asshole; they share two kids) and hear stuff that sounds a lot like I used to be...) OTOH, I wonder sometimes if it's led to a lower sense of urgency about things that impacts my work rate. I used to write more than I do now and sometimes I feel like I'm being complacent in not spending every waking moment trying to get (more) published. But the GF and I have been together for over a year-and-a-half now and we haven't had a single fight. As I've aged, I've learned that there just aren't that many things worth fighting over. I tell stories about my past and she says: "I don't recognize this man you talk about."

I will say that I think one of the key moments was a few years back. I've had depression issues all my life. It just comes on, not generated by anything in particular. But I'd hit a really low point in 2011 when I was unemployed and living alone, so I finally took my endocrinologist's advice and met up with a friend of his who's a pro therapist but was seeing me on the side (pro bono, as it were.) At one point, I was describing a situation to her and my emotional reaction to that situation and she said:
"And what does that make you think about?"
I replied: "The first thing that comes to mind is: weakness."
She said: "The first thing that comes to my mind is: human."

That was a real light bulb moment to me. It seems so damn simple, but it took someone saying it in a professional context, I guess, for me to really get it. I just relaxed a lot more about me and about those around me and I think it's made life better. The depression is still there and I remain my own worst critic at all times, but I'm not taking it out on people around me, which makes life a lot smoother.

I felt that same exact ... thing creep up on me as well, Mark, but I was less aware of it until I started having panic attacks back in my late 30's and thinking I had heart problems. A series of befuddled doctor visits later, I had the epiphany that this was all anxiety and I had no god damn clue why it was happening. My life was on cruise control to middle class euphoria, in my perception, but clearly my mind & body were disagreeing with something. I did some talk therapy, some anti-depressants, got into martial arts, and all of that helped quite a bit. Also, I remember my therapist telling me that the physiological symptoms of anxiety and extreme anger were very similar, which clued me into some things I'd been pissed about for years, wrestling with their trajectories and finally freaking out when life felt like it was starting to lock into place in a way that bothered me, as it turns out (middle class euphoria, my ass).

That "episode" in my life isn't completely erased from me, though. It added a level of remove between me and my lived existence in a way that I find hard to describe. Like it created a kind of sad spectator seat that wasn't there before. My wife beat breast cancer last year, so a lot of that existential weirdness faded into the background under immediate necessity. There's also nothing like actual terror and fatigue to squeeze out all of the other navel-gazey anxiety for awhile. But... it's creeping up again, now that things have settled. I think it's fine, and life has pretty much beaten it into me that this unease is something I need to either develop strategies for or crumple under it. I'm seeing several friends my age succumb to it with alcohol, straining against spousal relationships, etc, etc. So I'm doubling down on the mind-body awareness thing and looking into meditation and maybe another round of therapy.

Black Barney wrote: my doctor says yoga or mindfullness meditation. They are the only two things he recommends for this. he says exercise is really important too.
.

Started exercising on a more regular basis about a year ago. Find myself falling asleep earlier and more naturally at night. Has done a lot good for my mental well being as well as my physical well being. Highly recommended.

Martial Arts is excellent, especially when you're not super aggro into it and want to hurt people. If you look at it as a form of dance of a sort, and seek to control your body and focus on the control of your body, that philosophy seems to help you manage "life". I find sparring incredibly meditative.

Kayaking is one of the most relaxing outdoor activities I've done. I am always trying to convince my friends to pony up for a craft. There is something about being on a the river and connected to the water that does wonders.

the_jake_1973 wrote: Kayaking is one of the most relaxing outdoor activities I've done. I am always trying to convince my friends to pony up for a craft. There is something about being on a the river and connected to the water that does wonders.

That's funny because we just bought a well-reviewed Pelican 100 and my wife has taken it out. Now she can't lift her arms.

I'm 51, and I am generally not angry, except sometimes after reading/watching the news. I am a fitness freak, and that's a great outlet for negative emotions. There are aspects of my life that I am not happy or satisfied with, but I have come to accept the things that I can't change, so I can focus on the things that I can improve.

craniac wrote:

the_jake_1973 wrote: Kayaking is one of the most relaxing outdoor activities I've done. I am always trying to convince my friends to pony up for a craft. There is something about being on a the river and connected to the water that does wonders.

That's funny because we just bought a well-reviewed Pelican 100 and my wife has taken it out. Now she can't lift her arms.

Was she on a lake or river? I've had some very good workouts when doing Lake kayaking. You may also think about getting a longer kayak as they track better and require less course correction. Look into Jackson models. The seating system is very comfortable for long paddles.

Craniac, I'm going to respond with a tie-in to your family boardgame thread.

You guys should take up running. Not racing, but running.

* low buy-in
* can do it as a family any evening/morning/time available. simply go out to the middle school track for starters
* try to do one organized event a month as a family goal
* run events usually offer 1K, 3K, 5K, 10K, 'Fun Runs' the same day so all family members can have a level they participate in.
* add travel to it. You're in Utah, right? Go out of state, or across state, from time to time to a race. then it becomes a mini-vacation as well
* it's completely collaborative and supportive. Unlike co-op boardgames, which can definitely lead to arguments, there's nothing to argue about here. everyone cheers each other on.
* stay with a routine and it's something the kids will end up having built into their lifestyle and take with them when they leave the house
* clearly exercise is beneficial to everyone, so benefits all around

the_jake_1973 wrote:

craniac wrote:

the_jake_1973 wrote: Kayaking is one of the most relaxing outdoor activities I've done. I am always trying to convince my friends to pony up for a craft. There is something about being on a the river and connected to the water that does wonders.

That's funny because we just bought a well-reviewed Pelican 100 and my wife has taken it out. Now she can't lift her arms.

Was she on a lake or river? I've had some very good workouts when doing Lake kayaking. You may also think about getting a longer kayak as they track better and require less course correction. Look into Jackson models. The seating system is very comfortable for long paddles.

She was on Utah lake. Her arms are just sore because she hasn't worked out her upper body in four years!