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WTF Game Copy Hot

ubarose Written by ubarose     September 21, 2009     2112     

The description of a game is supposed to entice you to buy it. Sometimes it is over the top stupid. Sometimes it is boring. Sometimes it is mistranslated and you get "reap the seeds of victory" But sometimes it is just WorseThanFail.

I don't even know where to start with this. It's a pick up and deliver game with bidding. They didn't just paste a theme on it. They pasted two sentences of every theme on it, and then fed the description through babble fish. 

 Once there was a time of luxury and extravagance. People got immensely decadent and only showed interest in war on weekdays and virtual adventures in fantasy worlds on the weekends. The gargantuan Multis became the new rulers of the world leading and manipulating the consumer society. The border between the real and the fantasy worlds started to diminish.

The economy was clearly on the wrong track and created a civilization shaky grounds, a world full of chaos and panic - the old values were all gone. After all the resources had been exhausted, magic was mortgaged and technical developments were forgotten. The people of the real and the fantasy worlds struggled to survive in caves. A new generation appeared, whose members inherited all the bad features of their ancestors.

Now there's a new fashion gaining ground: everyone collects relics from the past. People are crazy about ancient weapons, vehicles and of course, the crystals. These are the only things of value left. Nothing is more comforting than the glory of the old world. The newly found companies are competing to lay their greedy hands on these valuables.

Test your skills in the world of Krysis. You are running a company with a squad of agents. You will try to build up teams with greater initiative, combat value and loading capacity than your competitors who will be vying for crystals and relics. The prevailing maxim of these tumultuous times is emerging: 'Take everything you can!' - A grim idea if it starts to spread into other worlds

 

 

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Comments (25)
  • 2009-09-22 17:04:40 | avatarJ.T.

    Jambo - "Animals add spice to the game."

  • 2009-09-22 17:12:08 | avatarSpace Ghost

    They had me at luxury and extravagance.

  • 2009-09-22 17:22:45 | avatarAarontu

    The BGG page for the game, in case anybody is wondering.

    Seems to be the great fantasy depression... people couldn't pay their magic mortgages?

  • 2009-09-22 17:50:02 | avatarMichael Barnes

    I...you know...um...I think...uh...heh...wow, I've got nothing. I've been stricken stupid by the world of Krysis!

  • 2009-09-23 01:29:49 | avatarsgosaric

    Obviously, the renaissance merchant theme doesn't work any more, and having realistic economic game in the time of world Krysis, well doesn't sell, so be sure paint as much theme over it as you can.

    Oh, and the interview with one of the designers (I think they're Hungarian): http://www.cliquenabend.de/index.php?page=news&d=1248065950

  • 2009-09-23 02:56:55 | avatarJackwraith

    That's easy. It must be Soylent Green. Replace 'crystals' with 'strawberries' and 'relics' with 'furniture' and there you go.

  • 2009-09-23 03:40:26 | avatarKen B.

    That is like "old NES instruction booklet flavor text" bad.

  • 2009-09-23 05:11:03 | avatarNeonPeon

    Here's how I read that...

    In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war on weekdays. Every Friday at 5 o'clock, soldiers put down their guns to play WoW. Then because some really big people took over the world, it became impossible to tell the difference between the two activities!

    Something something, economy, take out mortgages on caves and magic, antiques, evil greedy antique stores popped up everywhere, now YOU must make money using game mechanics! How horrible it would be if capitalism catches on.

    Ow, my head.

  • 2009-09-23 05:24:10 | avatarMichael Barnes

    WHOA! Both of the designers are named "Zoltan". That's awesome.

    I just can't handle the awesomeness of that spooky devil man wearing a PANDA BEAR shirt.

    Well, at least it's not Sour-Faced Euro-Man for a change.

    Wait...Rio Grande is doing this? What is the Euro market coming to? IS IT IN KRYSIS?!

  • 2009-09-23 05:33:42 | avatarJuniper

    My translation:

    Quote:
    Here's another game in which you bid for acrylic "gems" and action cards. We don't give a shit about theme at all, but there's a "Y" in the title, so maybe the people who collect YSTARI games will buy our crap by mistake.
  • 2009-09-23 05:40:03 | avatarMichael Barnes

    No, since this is RGG and Hans Im Gluck, they DO care about theme. They see all these AT games selling so instead of the usual Euro-crap, they tried to applique a sort of mash-up post-apocalyptic fantasy thing on the usual shit.

    My early impression: FAIL

  • 2009-09-23 05:47:55 | avatarubarose
    Quote:
    In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war on weekdays. Every Friday at 5 o'clock, soldiers put down their guns to play WoW. Then because some really big people took over the world, it became impossible to tell the difference between the two activities!

    That should be "UNATTRACTIVE soldiers" since everyone has "inherited all the bad features of their ancestors." So they all have big noses, unibrows, crooked teeth and bad hair.

  • 2009-09-23 06:20:21 | avatarMichael Barnes

    OMG, is the game actually ABOUT gamers then?

  • 2009-09-23 06:23:23 | avatarJuniper
    Quote:
    No, since this is RGG and Hans Im Gluck...

    It's RGG, Heidelberger, and a Hungarian company. Hans-im-Glueck is not involved.

  • 2009-09-23 06:37:04 | avatarMichael Barnes

    It doesn't matter, they're all the same...Stefan Feld runs the whole thing under some kind of Eurogames, Incorporated and Holdings aegis. That's why all the Eurogames are pretty much the same thing.

  • 2009-09-23 06:38:33 | avatarJuniper
    Quote:
    It doesn't matter, they're all the same...Stefan Feld runs the whole thing under some kind of Eurogames, Incorporated and Holdings aegis. That's why all the Eurogames are pretty much the same thing.

    That explains everything.

  • 2009-09-23 07:08:08 | avatarMichael Barnes

    I wonder if Sour-Faced Euro-Man is actually an image of the true leader of that organization, the person that Stefan Feld and his coterie answer to...a hidden figure pulling the strings, so to speak...I'm just trying to figure out how Baphomet figures into it all.

    I think I might pursue a career as a rapper...I'm going to use Krysis as my rapper name.

  • 2009-09-23 07:24:19 | avatarscitadel

    Yeah - I had to c&p that when I created the product page on our site. I'm still not sure what I should do - leave it or rewrite it. Rewriting it would be... well.

    But not rewriting it.... I mean, leaving that on the site...

    Yeah. I'm at lost for words.

  • 2009-09-23 07:31:07 | avatarMichael Barnes

    I'm really interested in these magical mortgages. I think that's a fascinating concept. Is it like a "Ninja" loan? Do you have to get PMI?

  • 2009-09-23 07:46:15 | avatarJuniper

    I figured it out! It's supposed to be satire. The idea is that the worldwide banking crisis triggered the collapse of civilization.

  • 2009-09-23 07:56:13 | avatarMichael Barnes

    I think there's a coded message in there about Krystal hamburgers (White Castle to you non-southerners, "mini" or "slider" burgers to the still confused)...witness the novelty spelling of "Krysis". And the desire for this future civilization of bad-featured mortgage-holders for "crystals" the only thing of value.


  • 2009-09-23 08:04:44 | avatarKingdaddy

    Fired up some random plot generators and got results that bear an uncanny resemblance to the Krysis plot summary:

    An improbable supreme ruler assimilates a satellite and a event horizon. Another precise religious leader replicates an accidentally mysterious freak. When a food supply and an alien hooker increases own intelligence exponentially, an underhandedly brilliant enemy dies slowly. A scented slime farmer and a space blizard sterilizes a deadly comet and a food supply. A busy military base annihilatees an incurable disease and a alien hooker, but a hyper drive and an escaped alien prisoner ostensibly steals ancient space artifacts from a holographic star map and a Octurian barking spider.
    When a supreme ruler grows a clone, an elusive anomaly goes insane. A almost exotic megatropolis greedily has a change of heart about a Neptunian squid-lice. A carbon unit sells a soldier and a midget alien to a mad artificial life-form. A virtual hypermatter collector and a midget alien gives boring long lectures on science to a nebulous escaped alien prisoner, or a good guy and a space pirate feverishly learns a hard lesson from a reproductive tissue transplant gone horribly wrong and a laser. When a sublight engine and a soldier unlocks the secrets of the universe, a robot and a dark matter loses funding for Super Atomic Men genetic engineering research.
    A phony methane breather sells a good guy to an element and a human. A vaporized interplanetary fast food chain avoids exposure to a freak and a sublight engine. A spartan sun spot pees on a holographic star map, and a bottle of antimatter takes control of the body of a psuedo-educational dark matter. When a completely disgruntled insurance agent goes insane, another self-loathing space girl scout wipes out all life on a small outer rim planet populated with blue midgetoids.

    Planet 9 of Alpha-Centauri is struck by a comet and is visited by good aliens who steal its reserves of iron .
    Earth is taken over by mutant diploid armour plated pterodactyls with ESP and silicon-based DNA and is visited by good aliens who are converted by the village priest (who tells them of God) to good ones who wish only to serve everyone .
    Mars is struck by a comet and is visited by evil robots who save it and enslave everyone .
    The story starts when your protagonist goes to a party. Another character is a spy who has supernatural healing powers.
    The story starts when your protagonist goes to a palm reader. Another character is a bartender who wants revenge.
    Earth is invaded by nasty aliens and is visited by evil robots
    Mars is struck by a comet and is visited by good mutant brewers yeast cells who copy the lot into a giant Sextium 3000 and edit out the nasty bits but they run out of memory


    Krysis Crisis!
    an original screenplay concept
    by Tom Grant
    Science Fiction: A war hardened soldier teams up with a well-built female cyborg to save the earth from aliens. In the process they accidentally kill his partner. By the end of the movie they blow up 5 planes and end up winning the admiration of their manager, living happily ever after.

    Think Waterworld meets Casablanca.

  • 2009-09-23 08:07:12 | avatarMichael Barnes

    I think there's also an idea for a CIVILIZATION expansion in here...CIVILIZATION: SHAKY GROUNDS

    I also think that this line, in particular, will likely have resonance with the eurogamers:

    Nothing is more comforting than the glory of the old world.

  • 2009-09-25 12:37:12 | avatarjspoto

    All your gems are belong to us

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