ConnCon Expose!

It has been two weeks and you may be wondering why there is no Post ConnCon write-up. Indeed it is as if the event never happened: a dark ship passing in the night. A whisper on a summer’s night breeze, The faintest shadow in the darkest night.

But the real reason is that there is one essential rule. Thou shalt not speaketh oef ConnCon. Fortunately, I have little respect for rules and conventions of society such as ‘morality’, ‘ethics’, and ‘common decency’.  I cannot divulge everything that went on. Truly there are a great many things that I did not witness.  But I can divulge these facts.

1.       I did not get escorted to ConnCon in Alberts’ Limo

2.       I was not able to ursurp the coveted position of golden Boy from Loter’s family from Billy Zavos despite my name actually being Averopolikynitopolis

3.       I was not able to get Mindy to dance topless despite me plying her with the cheapest coconut rum money can buy

4.       I was not awarded the mummified mouse even though I vociferously was the first to bid and was willing to give up my last dollar for the cause.

5.        Michael Fralish aka FlimFlam is a pimp in every sense of the word and can carry off wearing a white fur jacket bare chested in even the most swank setting.

And now to the rest of the report which is some or even all completely facetious.  Friday afternoon I was picked up by Loter in a white minivan (almost the exact model that gave its life serving my family a year ago. )  The only thing of note during the ride was that Billy Z went  into convulsions on drive back to Loter’s mother’s home. Sure that he was turning zombie we dumped him at the side of the road and were about to put two into his skull when the level headed Bearnie talked us down.  Josh suggested doing one just in case, but level heads prevailed and we were on our way.

We arrived at Loter’s mothers house and to my great surprise everything was COMPLETELY NORMAL. Obviously whatever trauma Matt has suffered did not affect the rest of the family.  It was the perfect suburban home.  His mother was charming and gracious. I desperately tried to catch her eye but she only had eyes for Billy Zavos.  I busted out words like “Gyro” and “Odyssey”  but then Billy Sang a lullaby in Greek and it was all she wrote.

Shortly we were on our way to the Con. It was hosted in the Sheraton and had a huge atrium with lots of light. Most of the gaming however was done in a side room that smelled musty and was well lit by fluorescent lights.  In retrospect I realized I spent less than 5 minutes in that room the entire three days I was there.  However the other gamers loved it and rarely ventured forth from the game cave.

I don’t recall the games we played but sometime that evening I roped a bunch of F:ATties in to trying Capo. Against my better judgement we played 6 people- not a good idea.  The game has a bunch of negotiating and several phases to resolve and 5 is the max number to play well.  We had a good time but toward the end the game started to drag as the bSing increased and people stopped paying attention to their turns. One thing is certain:   Bearnie makes an excellent Pariah. During the deal making he was shut out at every turn. A couple of time he managed to score only to get knocked down again. My only regret is that there wasn’t a physical element to the game that we could use to reinforce his loss. Perhaps deluxe editions will have a taser in them that can be used to persecute the unfortunate.

Now I had promised Tom, that I would behave myself on the trip since I was representing the game. I took a liberal interpretation of that to mean “There will be no evidence of me not behaving myself.” It was getting late and frankly we were parched. Sooooo We travelled past ye ol’ taco bell to the package store. Along the way we met many friendly people lurking in doorways, hanging out on stoops, and congregating by the barber shop.  For some reason, Loter was sure I was going to get my ass kicked- merely from greeting them.  I didn’t care, I am positive I can run faster than Josh and I’m good at dodging handgun fire.

After mulling over the myriad possibilities of liquor, I settled on Admiral Nelsons’ Coconut Rum. I appreciate a good knockoff, and this one ‘almost’ looked like Captain Morgan.  The mix was a delightful blend of sugar water and lighter fluid and it served me well throughout the Con.

The rest of the evening was a blur except for the one shining moment of seeing Michael Fralish in his white pimp jacket. If ever there was a man who could carry off white fake fur, it is he. I kept expecting him to pullout  a big purple velour hat with a giant white feather to go with it. BTW Did I mention I had brought a black pinstripe fedora to the con? Yeah- cheesy marketing ploy but by God I was determined to wear it.  Despite that- every single picture of me is hatless with really flicked hair. I would have had better luck with the purple pimp hat.

Day Duex   

I don’t usually get hangovers but I did everything wrong- drank on an empty stomach, drank no water all evening , Stayed up till the wee morning…and woke up at 7. Fralish was already up and walking out. I laid in bed trying to peel my dehydrated tongue off the roof of my mouth. By 9 I had showered and shaved and moseyed down to the atrium.  I grabbed an advance copy of Waterdeep- then much to my horror realized it was eurogame. I briefly considered lighting it on fire, but  thought that might not go over well with the rest of the gamers. Then I reconsidered again and discovered I had no matches.  Almost on cue FlimFlam (Fralish) arrived and so I gave up my brief bout of pyromania to play Summoner Wars.  I was doing a great job of running away with the sand Goblins while Michael was about to pound my face in with the Jungle Orcs. Zev and Paul arrived just in time for me to avoid a crushing defeat. I recorded another  ‘tie’ into the BGG database. So far I’m 151 wins 10,985 ties, 0 losses.  My record in incredible and it just goes to show you that I’m am so much smarter than other gamers and that I never loose.

We grabbed some food, and settled down for more games. A couple really stood out.  One was an INCREDIBLE adventure game from Scott Nicolson. We had to labor through it because setup was flicked and it took a while to grok the game.  I can’t go into details (and really I just want to Game Z you and lord it over you that I played something mythically amazing that no one ever ever will play.)  It had a lot of good things going for it.  It also had a lot of bad (and kinda of typical ) things going on. We didn’t play it very long because the flaws were obvious- but it set my imagination afire and I spent a good deal of time the rest of the con BS ing about it.

Geoffry Englestien showed up with his wacky Starship game.  Each player has a minigame they have to play and it gets coordinated by the captain.  I was amazed at how well he had synergized the minigames into a cohesive game. It was pretty damn clever.  I was totally a cylon and blew every opportunity to do something useful on the ship. Despite my sabotage we won the scenario. It vaguely reminded me of space alert – but you know , fun.

The other games that stood out were another  game of Capo.  One guy had made his own set that made mine look like a big steaming pile of garbage. He had pimped it out with little gangster counters…but sadly no taser.  This game went much better (5 player) and we had a good time screwing each other over. Jay was in that game. He looks so tough I that I want to hang out with him just so I can be tough through association.

Jay and I are Badasses. Really.

Then a game of Wirochoqua with Uba and Michael. I *thought* I knew how to play. Instead I spent most of my time going ‘oh yeah’ and ‘oops’. Meanwhile both Uba and FlimFlam were tied for the lead.  I tore into Michael..cause you know. Uba is pretty.  And for my genteel gesture, she eviscerated me.  Michael swore to set fire to my bed that night…so it seemed like a good time to break out Capo again.

With three players it is more area control and less wheeling and dealing.  We had a good time..I found myself wishing Bearnie was present so he could be our whipping boy.

Then Al and MegaFauna Dan came by with Zoe. We unanimously decided to play Buffy.  I Uba Coralled us neatly and I got to show off how very lame I could be.  Fortunately everyone else rocked.  We won. Uba cried then tried to flip the table and broke a nail. Then she threw a tantrum and pounded on the floor screaming. It was really embarrassing but gratifying at the same time. I can’t wait to play again with her. (note: record epic win in the BGG database and link picture with mascara streaming down her face.)  

I think I drank some more…By that time I had drank gallons of water to make up for being dehydrated.

Day trois

I woke up to see Repoman playing Eclipse. Launius said the game blew ( well not in those words – he is more PC than that Though I really got the idea he didn’t like it) However I thought “Avery need to find out for himself. Avery might like this game. Avery will play!”

OMG  I so did not like it.  Even if I hadn’t been pigeon holed into the corner with only 1 way out, I might not have liked it. The game has lots of cool stuff going on but it is so frikken slow and you have deliberate on every little thing to make sure you keep your damn economy on track.  The game should be called. Econoclipse. I call it a great big pile of suck. However Repoman is hilarious.  It was almost worth waiting through 3 hours just to hear his quips…Almost, but I bailed after a ½ hour.  Since I was in the corner of the galaxy it made almost no impact on the game.

So I flipped the table.

No, but I should’ve. Dammit. A missed opportunity.

I was still worked up from the adventure game and spent the morning talking about it with Zev and Paul. Then we talked about making Capo a better game, and a bunch of F:ATties chimed in.  Mostly they said “I rate it a lukewarm 7” and then dismissively turned away.

I yelled back..but, but….there is PROMO CARDS! 

“Oh in that case I’ll buy it and stick on the shelf without ever taking off the shrinkwrap.”

That was good enough for me, so we left it at that.

More and more BSing. I had wanted to get a game in with Eric Summerer. We had played some games last ConnCon but he caught me late at night. Bad Call. The Freaks come out at night. Oh Yeah! The Freaks come out at night~  Yeah. I wanted to show him I slurring my speech and and that wetting myself was not typical. Well sorta.

Lastly was the closing ceremony.  Wow. That part will remain a mystery until I can make the burning go away from my mind.  I will say though there is a very special mummified mouse that gets auctioned away. The worst part is that you don’t even get to keep the mouse. It is only on loan.  Nonetheless I considered outbidding and winning it. Really really. Only the desperate urging of Loter kept me from doing it. That and they didn’t take credit cards.

So there is the ConnCon Expose. I have only touched on the darkest secrets that are practiced during its ceremony. If you strong of will and brave of heart, then perhaps you too can discover its secrets. But I warn you, you will come away changed.

Steve”It burns”Avery