A tale of Epic Spell Wars (SuperflyTNT forced my hand)

Inspired by Pete's fun review of Epic Spell Wars, I wanted to share my two months' experience with the title.
Below is a letter I wrote to Cory Jones, creator of Epic Spell Wars. I sent it to his Facebook messages, but it has not been read since the 8/10 post date. If anyone happens to have his email address, I sure would appreciate it. Enjoy.

NOTE 1: My friend will be a new wizard hero in ESW III.
NOTE 2: An ESW cartoon is in development with Adult Swim.

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Cory,
I had the most horrific gaming related experience as a result of your, otherwise fine, Epic Spell Wars game.
As baring primary responsibility for the game's creation, I'm sending this session report to you as documentation of madness endured. I finish with a groveling plea of vengeance.
Last week, I attended Gen Con with three of my closest mates. Unbeknownst to them, I had pre-registered the four of us to participate in an Epic Spell Wars tournament on Saturday afternoon. My challenge was to teach ESW to my pals, over a three martini lunch, on Saturday.
Newly equipped the spell mastery and intoxication, three of the four of us advanced into Sunday's play off matches. One could not make the 11 am start time due to poison (i.e. single malt scotch). My best friend and I however, arrived slightly sober, and ready to destroy.
I was eliminated early. So it goes. Dustin however, won the day.
And my world turned into hell.
While Dustin was competing in the final round, I was cleaning his hotel room for a 1 pm checkout. His room looked so deplorable, I thought a coke fueled gorilla had made a nest. Packing his bag of crap prevented me from seeing him win the final match, claim the trophy, meet you, and shake the hands of excellence.
I arrived moments after you left Dustin with a signed copy of ESW. He was drunk with power. He forced me to photograph him triumphantly shaking his trophy while attempting to suck in his middle aged gut (see picture). Then, he promptly left me and his loot. He had to return to the Dealer hall to buy his daughter a blue cosplay wig, so he asked me to safely steward his winnings into a box. I found this excuse dubious, but I accepted the task.
Cryptozoic staff provided a box, and I wrapped the trophy with utmost care and attention. It was an awesome pack job really. Once finished, Dustin was no where to be found. Prone to distraction, I knew he was stuck at a dealer's booth somewhere. I would find him, with trophy in tow.
Have you ever walked into Gen Con's dealer hall on "Family Day" Sunday with a 4' tall box? It is the definition of bedlam. I somehow stumbled into the Cryptozoic booth, and a kind rep took a photograph of me shlepping the finest trophy know to pissed wizards, albeit cloaked in cardboard (see picture 2).
Dustin had in fact, returned to the hotel lobby. A truth I discovered after returning thirty minutes later, bruised and battered from obnoxious costumes, fire, and security.
Insult noted, the afternoon grew even worse as we carpooled home. For TWO HOURS I had to endure the gloating of Dustin and how awesome it is going to be playing ESW III with a wizard character modeled after him. When our car arrived at his residence, it was beyond relief. When you stop hitting yourself in the head with a hammer, it feels great.
Cory, you have created a monster. For the love of all comeuppance, may you help me strike a blow on my best friend's ego. Contending with Dustin's maniacal posturing with his wizard character - I can think of only one tactic:
Include me in the game!
I should not be a wizard hero. Dustin earned that honor fairly. However, if I were somehow represented as either a creature, treasure, or spell source - it would be a surprising and majestic finisher to my friend's prima donna attitude.
I know Dustin's wizard hero ideas will be sent to you shortly (if not already), and I know they will somehow reflect his military service. Incapable of being promoted, he will use his ESW win to justify a higher rank. And because he's adept at homophobic humor, he'll most certainly ask to have the words "Rear Admiral" incorporated.
In light of this, I have a fleeting suggestion should you need an additional creature, treasure, or spell source added to ESW III. I am a professor, and will remain so for the rest of my days. Like Dustin, I will never be promoted beyond my current rank. Acknowledging that ESW already has a 'Professor Presto,' and 'Cousin Andy,' I could easily be labeled after my nickname "Wojo" and given advancement. As in, 'Head Master Wojo.' [legions of non Polish speaking students have reduced my last name of Wodzianski into "Wojo."]
Do with this suggestion/plea/groveling as you will. You have made a hell of a game, a hell of a monster, and a hell of a fan that will try to find you again next year to sign my rule book.
Thanks for reading. I hope Hex kicks all sort of butt. And if you're involved in any capacity; may the production of Ghostbusters be flawless (I'm an enthusiast Kickstarter backer too).
Sincerely,
Andrew Wodzianski










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I'd change the picture orientation of my fine box handling skills, but I think it's funnier to keep it as is...

I've added more trophy pics! The ESW Championship trophy was created by C Jones. Apologies for the orientation.

drewcula wrote: Apologies for the orientation.

Here at F:AT we are accepting of all lifestyles.

hotseatgames wrote:

drewcula wrote: Apologies for the orientation.

Here at F:AT we are accepting of all lifestyles.

Unapologetic euro gamers can even remain relatively unmolested nowadays.

Bad ass story.