Value-add to faith

Yes, Barney, bad place to be.

10 years ago my recent ex (less than 2 wks separation) decided to move in next to me and start to date the entire male population of Kuwait (or at least it seemed that way to me). To cap it all she 'accidently' sent me an email, meant for one of her boyfriends, asking if it was OK to give him a blow job in the shopping mall when she saw him!!! That was really bad.

She tried her best to make friends with me but it didn't really work. I went and found a nice Russian girl who was non too impressed that the ex wife lived next to me!! Worse, she would get drunk, fuck someone and then come over to talk to me, her best friend, about her problems with alcohol and relationships.

Eventually, after she remarried (still living next to me) I had an argument about child support with her (too boring to go into). Her response was to ban the two girls from ever seeing me, instruct her maid never to take the girls round and eventually leave Kuwait, with the girls to Shanghai, without a word. Only one of the sisters deems to talk to me now after both of them being banned by their Mum from any communication with me for 9 years.

Basically, don't let it degenerate to those ridiculous heights of absurdness. Make friends, as others have said, use your family for support and fly to Russia!!

Religious faith is not in my skillset, and never will be, but faith in humanity and friends definitely is. Lean on folk, they will understand.

Prayers and well wishes sent to you.

Regarding faith and religion, even the doctors of the church went through constant cycles:

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>Atheism

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>agnosticism

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> theism

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Oh man, Barney. I didn't know you were going through that. That really sucks and my heart goes out to you.

I went through a very similar break up a coule years ago, Barney. She was in a new relationshipnalmost immediately.

It felt similar. Death, and perhaps my own. Got treated for tako tsubo heart condition.

But it made it easier to deal with. If someone doesn't want you and make it that clear how much you meant to them by just going to the next guy, then the only thing to morn over is the time lost.

I'm better off for it.

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles, Barney, but also glad to hear them in that it's great that you're willing to share with us. As you've seen, even this virtual community is full of good thoughts and support for you.

I am not a religious person. I guess, like you, I'm a "non-practicing atheist." I don't believe, but I also don't mind that others do. However, I attend church every Sunday. I go mainly because my wife wants to go. But the important thing is, I still enjoy listening to the sermons. There are always things to learn, whether it be spiritual, moral, or historical. I enjoy the company of the other people there. My lack of belief in God doesn't stop me from gaining something from the church.

I think if you can find a community that you like, even if it's through a church, you should capitalize on that. Meet new people, find support, join in something bigger than yourself. It ultimately doesn't matter what you believe, since everyone's faith is a very private thing.

Mr. Barney,

I am so sorry you are suffering like this. I appreciate your message. I don't think it would hurt to say a little prayer for guidance once in a while if you feel like it. There is lots of love and help in this thread, and one of the tenets of my faith is that God uses us to answer prayers. I haven't solve the problem of evil yet either. The closest I get is the ending of "Time Bandits."

Although I am a practicing member of a Western American Christian cult, I take truth from wherever it resides. So my backup religion, or at least what I read for comfort when I get too wired on my own superego, is American Zen Buddhism. That stuff just loosens the vice of ambition so I can breath a little. I get atheism--it's a rational choice.

Family, friends, health--there's not much else in this shitty, fallen world.

Oh, try some good St. John's Wort. It's my favorite free ride.

Wanted to add my voice to the rally cry of those here - seems like everyone's either been through it themselves or knows someone who has. That right there is key as you are not alone at all in this (esp. with a beautiful kid).

And if you're seeing merit in those who "have faith," you need not be jealous - you'll come to a better place with it all in some fashion. Whether attending an established church every Sunday or reading spiritual books and meditating. It's all a journey and, at least virtually, those here are with you on this leg as well as the next!

All the best!

Gash! I lost a big post and two small posts.

Just wanted to say there's a lot of wisdom in this thread. I find similarities in my own experience to some of your stories, and I have much respect for those of you that went through worse, I don't know how you did it.

Posted this this morning and then got surprise thrown under the bus accidentally on purpose by my ex. Thank goodness for this thread which immediately lifted me back up with your kind thoughts, prayers and shared stories.

I'm confident there will be brighter days ahead, I don't doubt it. Just need to get there.

Jeez Barney. I'm sorry to hear that. And you're right... I lost my wife last year (illness) and as hard as that has been, I can see where divorce is harder in many ways. There can be betrayal and other feelings that are going to persist, and you still have to interact and deal with sharing the kids and all that. I have a girlfriend now who has been divorced twice. She's great, but I know there are some pretty deep resentments and trust issues under the surface. Hang in there, brother. As the platitudes say, this too shall pass and it will get better with time if you can work through the resentment and pain and loss and move forward a day/hour/minute at a time.

As far as the faith thing, go straight to the source. I'm a practicing Mormon, but I don't believe that any person or institution has any kind of exclusive reach to divinity. If it's really there (only you can know that for yourself), it will manifest in a way that means something to you. Seek and ask in faith (demand, even) and you'll find what you need. To quoth the sage Lennon, "Whatever gets you through the night."

First, I send my love and prayers to you for whatever worth you can find in them.

I have never been through anything like that so I can't claim to understand, but I know that for me it would be very difficult. My wife makes me a much better person and I know that without her around I'd just be getting high all the time and drinking beer non stop... that might sound pathetic but I remember what I was like before my wife and child came along. It wasn't very pretty... maybe it was youth, but still, she inspired change in me.

But you have a daughter now... you have a daughter.

Is there anything better than that? Before your marriage you had neither a daughter nor a wife and you were probably (?) fine... now you have a daughter. That's awesome!

As a child of divorce I know that the actual breaking up of my parents wasn't that big a deal to me (although it did cause some internal conflict) but the aftermath of how they acted pisses me off to this day. They don't talk to each other and I feel like if I visit one I have to visit the other one next, struggling to keep balance so that neither one thinks I'm preferring them. It's a minor thing and I don't normally bring it up but I think that if I (heavens forbid) went through something like that I would be considering that aspect, because it's never ending.

I have faith (no church though, for me faith and religion are private affairs), but I don't find it very useful in moments like this anyway. Faith isn't something I can lean on, or choose, it's something I have through no fault of my own. I see and feel that there is more than we can explain and it feels connecting and loving to me... I can't help that it's just who I am. I even think that faith is an illogical thing to have, but I have no intention of running my life based on logic anyway, it's just one tool and there are plenty of others just as useful to me. Faith included. Reading Taoist literature has been useful to me in times of stress though, there is something about the absurdity of existence that it amplifies and allows me to stop worrying and see the humour in the horrible.

I would recommend meditating though. Or some form of prayer (ultimately I don't think they are very different). Meditation has been a real boon to me personally and has helped me get some control over my life that I might not have otherwise. It connects me to something larger than myself and helps me escape being trapped in my head all the time. Although it's probably just another form of that, it still feels very different. You don't need any faith or religion for that either, you can pray/meditate without it.

In any case my advice is not very useful, I'm aware of that, but I am at your disposal should you need it anyway.

Love to you and yours, hold your daughter tight, but carry on with your life too. She is watching how you handle stress. I know I did.