The water heater fucking dick and then bullshit

Yes, it sure as fuck did.  We came home Saturday night and my wife turns on the hot water, working fine.  She comes out of the bathroom and I hear the well pump run.  Then it runs again.  And again.  "Oh, maybe the toilet is stuck" or some such shit goes through my head.  Nope, bathroom checks out.  "Maybe it's the new fridge water hookup I installed" I think.  Nope, dry and working as well as could be for something I installed.  "Well, guess I should go check down in the crawlspace."  As I get to the front door, I hear watery noises coming from the room with the boiler and water heater. "Fuck me sideways, this can't end well."  Sure enough, the water heater is leaking from the top access panel on the front of the unit.  Not all the way on the top of the tank, but about 75% towards the top on the side.  Turn off the water and the electricity to the heater and call the plumber.  "Looks like you're right fucked!" he says, but in much nicer words.  I call Home Depot where it was purchased 3 FUCKING YEARS AGO and then call the company.  HD opens in the morning and GE opens on Monday.  GREAT.

Sunday morning, I call HD to see if the fuckrods who owned this shithole before me purchased the extended warranty.  OF COURSE NOT.  WHO THE FUCK PROTECTS SHIT LIKE THAT?  Mercifully, it's on a 12-year manufacturers warranty.  Guess I'll wait until Monday.

Monday morning, 8 o'clock  sharp.  I call GE and they say "Oh, it's just the element leaking.  We'll send you a new one.  Install it and see if that fixes the issue.  If it doesn't, we'll get you a new heater."  Fucking ducky, another day without hot water.

Tuesday around 11AM the FedEx woman shows up with my element.  I call up customer service and get the stupidest bitch I've ever talked to.  DO THEY FUCKING TRAIN THESE PEOPLE?  My dog was more helpful because at least she kept her mouth shut.  She tells me I need a 1 1/2 inch socket.  Who has a 1 1/2 inch socket around their house?  WHO!!!?  Not this guy.  Off to Lowe's to buy the socket and an adapter because I'm smart enough to know what size my socket wrench is.  Get home, remove the element, put the new one in, leaky, leaky, leaky, fucking leaky.  Great.  I know it's in write so I start looking around where I think the leak is coming from.  There it is, right at the base of where the element would screw in.  There's a goddamned whole where the weld has let loose.  Fuck my life!  All that time and aggravation just to get this far.  Call them up, they arrange to get me an exchange at the nearest Home Depot.  Ducky.

Now comes the best part.  I unhook this unholy beast and proceed to move it towards the boiler room door.  It doesn't fit.

I know what you're thinking....how the fucking fuck is that possible?  The FUCKING MORONS who lived in this house before me built a wall seperating the laundry room from the boiler room.  They clearly did this without any thought at all as to how this would impact doing ANY FUCKING WORK IN THE BOILER ROOM.  I measure and measure and measure.  I try to lay the heater on it's side, but there's not enough room.  I try everything.  No dice.  The point of no return is upon us because I decide the only way this fat fuck (the heater, not me) is getting out is to cut the door jamb.  Before I can do that, I have to remove the door trim.  Oh, wait!  The fucking washer and dryer are pushed against it because there's a counter at the other end and there's not enough space to move anything.  I proceed to forcibly remove the cabinet and the 90000000 screws that held it in place.  I then move the washer and dryer and cut away the door frame.  After some time, the piece comes off and I'm able to FINALLY get the hot water heater out the door.  It's sitting outside now emptying out whatever is left.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get this thing to the HD or get the new one back.  My car isn't very big.

Rant over.  I feel much better.