LOOK WHAT SATAN SENT ME 2013!!!

Just got back into town and got my package -- will open and post tomorrow.

Generally, I think that it is entertaining and will continue to participate -- I actually got something this year, so it seems that the riff-raff is getting cleared out of the process a bit.

It's really noncompliant scofflaws like CDENNETT and BILLYZ, who is at this point a fugitive from Satanic law, that give Secret Satan a bad name.

We want to see your junk!

Oops...bad word choice...

MattLoter wrote: Update on my pile of trash wonderment on the way...

Oh...really? Haven't seen it yet, but I've been busy damning people to Hell and all that rot.

Secret Satan wrote:

MattLoter wrote: Update on my pile of trash wonderment on the way...

Oh...really? Haven't seen it yet, but I've been busy damning people to Hell and all that rot.

Photos are taken. Need to upload them. I can say that it was one of the best Secret Satan giftings I've ever seen. I have been truly awful this year and got exactly what I deserved!

Satan sent me a mountain of utter shit, but he sprinkled peanuts amid the loaf, if you catch me. Having bathed for a year in the reflected light of Jerry Lewis' revolting relations with Hasbro, pretty much anything this year would be a step up. And step up, Satan has.

Arriving early, and with a notice of the "big one to come," an Amazon delivery of a SPACE HULK:DEATH ANGEL Mission Pack. That's cool. And it set up the dread nicely, as obviously having assuaged any guilt associated with not sending anything nice, I could assume a bale of dung was next delivery.

A few days later... it arrives. The kids set up a protective circle. Note the comment: "Pics or it didn't happen. Having a camera handy has become a prerequisite to participating. This I like.


Satan goes straight for the Comic Sans, knowing I will be gritting my teeth. Luckily children under age 9 are near, so it's not a completely forbidden font. I had to explain what an 8-Track was. THIS IS HARDER TO DO THAN YOU THINK. The 3D glasses were underutilized, I thought! Satan overlaid some blue and red scratchings and the glasses made them readable! But just a couple. I might try this next year, I love the codes and shit.


Satan knows I likes me some vidya, an obliged my yearning with some SNES games (with instruction manuals!), a Link VHS (?!), and some ancient Nintendo adventure books. WARCRAFT II as well, in case it's still 1995.


You can also see some YOUNG JEDI CCG packs (searched), a tempting MAGIC:THE GATHERING Revised Starter from 1995--filled with LION KING trading cards (fucker!), a remaindered collection of HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY books, TICHU, LIGHTSPEED, and some EYE OF JUDGMENT cards I bet both people that played that game are desperate for. Not shown: GOLD DIGGER, the bottom half of a Lego guy, the broken stand of a HEROSCAPE character, and a knockoff plastic matchbox that probably gave my toddler son leprosy when he touched it.

Satan punishes, but he also tempts:

BLACKBEARD! A game I will know have owned three times. I am sure I will get to it. SAN JUAN, my secret love. I remember when deckbuilding was all about the Victory Poin--oh, wait, yeah, of course it's still about that. And a WW2 wargame set in Europe, because all Jewish homes should have that. Who wants to be the Germans this time?

Satan tossed in a minty-fresh hardcopy of a Harry Potter book as well, which immediately made my kids and wife argue about who gets that one because they wrecked the one we already had and no I didn't SHE did, and Nuh uh, and I cry softly waiting for a peace that will never come.

HAIL SATAN!

Secret Satan- the gift that keeps on giving.

Writing "LOVE" on the bog roll core really adds to the gift.

SATAN has spoken:




He abides in the Land of Danes. I went to Denmark once. It was a dark turgid place, this residence does not surprise me.




I wield my long sword against the tyrannical evil




Woe is me..





The refuse of the Damed; I've already offloaded the crap that is Red November once, Satan afflicts me again! 221B Baker Street looks mildly interesting, and the Morbid Shab-Al-Hiri Roach does actually interest me. Also there is a Third World General Card Game, a deck of Tyrant cards a wooden block and the sparse bits for Enders Game. Lets hope its better than the movie.



The block says Gefuhle, which apparently translates as feeling. I know what im feeling right now, and its not joy.



I'm not entirely sure why Satan sent me his or her family album.


In all, this has been a suitably vengeful package.

Ender's Game is shit. Gefühle, however, is the true gem of the pacakage. Adding it to your gift is what has made it not quite a secret satan thing, but more one of those soft santa ones.

It's a pub game and the rules are as follows:
1. Place the Gefühle with the 2 side up and about a third of it sticking out from the edge of the table.
2. Flick the Gefühle with whatever you find appropriate. A finger or your penis will do.
3. the Gefühle must do an entire roll for the points to be valid, but in that case you score as many points as shown on the topside. Yes, getting 10 is very possible.
4. You can save points you've earned to a future turn or you can keep going. If you score 0 points or the Gefühle ends on the floor, you lose all unsaved points.
5. First to 25 points win.

Do note that bottles and glasses on the table are considered natural obstacles. Also, the game is a lot more fun if you play in teams. You then have to score 30 points and the rule is that team members are placed opposite each other. The one NOT flicking is the one who'll decide whether to continue or save points.

It sounds stupid, it probably also is, but it's quite a fun game. And much, much better than the turd that is Ender's Game.

We've played that pub game but you use a plastic (Solo) cup and a pool table. Put the cup open side up on the edge of the table and gently hit it so that it flips in the air and lands with the open side up again. Fail? You must take a drink.

Two rounds and everyone's utterly shattered.

And, Satan, sending Red November is a soft move. That game is awesome.

OK, I have to say that opening the SS package IN THE TUB has got to be one of the better precautionary measures we've seen. Probably a good idea.

I'm so fucking late!

My Satan really stepped up to the fucking plate this year, I ended up with a bunch of envelopes and a box, sent from all over the place to confuse and confound me. Canada, the US, HELL!


My wonderful city was mocked for or role in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull! Whatever, I actually enjoyed it so eat a bag of dicks Satan!


Ok, let's get to opening these envelopes...

Awesome, a bunch of expired coupons, free drinks in Canada, Photoshop 4 and some ads. Also got a sweet new sign to hang next to our bathroom, so thanks for that!

Possibly the best thing to ever get in the mail from a stranger...

A photo of my house!

The big box had a bunch of stuff in it...

Two single gloves, a Blue Ray (that I can't even play), some awesome pony pink bubble bath, a Beatles 8 track!!!!, a couple of games that likely suck huge balls and some other random stuff.

Satan really got the spirit of great gifts that are still a huge fuck you with this one...

Cause you know who doesn't own X-Wing? This guy. But now who really wants to go spend a bunch of money he doesn't have and get balls deep? Yeah, still this guy. What a dick!

I think this is my favorite part though...

It's a tiny Polly Pocket looking scooter with a magnetic base. Love it.

I really do think this was one of the best SS giftings I've ever seen so a big fuck you to whoever did this to me. I fully expect that next year I'll just get sent a brick.

Wow. The house photo is...upsetting. Simple and effective. That's in the SS Hall of Blame along with the poopie pants, the Goofy picture, and the Jessica Hahn Playboy.

Now we just need BILLYZ to get compliant from last year...

Michael Barnes wrote: Wow. The house photo is...upsetting. Simple and effective.

Way worse than a link to a CV.

MattLoter wrote: A photo of my house!

Michael Barnes wrote: Wow. The house photo is...upsetting.

This year the spotter plane. Next year the bomber.