Value-add to faith

Barney, those thoughts and feelings are natural, and will only fade with time. In the mean-time, I can suggest a couple of practical things that may help-

Getting up at 5am isn't the worst way to start the day, so maybe don't try to sleep but instead make it your new wake-up time and work around it. I don't know what your morning routine is usually, but maybe that gives you a couple of quiet hours to do something with.

Secondly, meditation might help with clearing your mind. Not to try and totally suppress your emotions about the situation, but to give you the mental clarity to face them on your own terms. I think it's really important to feel those emotions, and fully, but to do so when you choose to.

I feel for you, and can empathize a lot with your situation.

Great advice guys.

I like the idea of just getting out of bed when it happens. Start my day, maybe go to work earlier, just run with it.

That's two people that have suggested meditation and Stern is always talking about it, might be a great idea. It's funny you use the term mental clarity, that's what my ex told me I should get on this trip I'm on right now. I need to find peace of mind.

I think I need to start appreciating the little things more and finding joy where can. My happiest moment in the past month was cuddling with my little girl and falling asleep together. I remember being so happy, it was beautiful. I need to do more of those moments.

It's human nature to assume your ex is having non stop fun but its often not the case. I need to stop thinking about who's she with and how happy she is. It puts me into a bubble and I can't appreciate everything else going on. I need to start fighting those thought patterns.


Storm, you shouldn't live a life of regret like that. I fell down that way a month ago when I took accountability for my failed marriage. I begged forgiveness from my ex who gave it to me, I felt better after that and moved on. I hope that she doesn't ask me ever for forgiveness for what she's done, that would be a difficult conversation.

Thanks again guys, big hugs

stormseeker75 wrote: Man, I don't know about that last part. I jumped right into a relationship after I told my ex I wanted out. And I know she's dealt with that because I'm with someone and she is not. I feel guilty as fuck for that.

To be honest with you guys, I constantly think that I fucked up and shouldn't have gotten divorced. Like I moved too fast and should have thought things through. And I constantly wonder if I can go back and fix it. I have a really good life now and I'm generally happy but my guilt of hurting her fucking kills me.

This is a very interesting perspective and kind of matches my first divorce (22 yrs ago). I could look at it and say I really shouldn't have got divorced. There was no anger in the divorce proceedings just exhaustion, from my perspective. I met her and our 23 yr old son in Geneva a couple of weeks ago, when I was there on business. She is as funny and nice as when I first met her. I was a total dick in finishing this relationship but now it's gone. So I don't necessarily agree that no one says 'that was a bad divorce'.

On Barneys issues of sleeping. Oh yeah, I went through that with added fun of hearing her antics through the wall. I actually did start work earlier (I'm a morning guy anyway) and it worked for me until it got to the point where I didn't give a fuck anymore.

Let me put it this way. You can go out and start screwing other people, it's a legitimate strategy, but I don't think you should do it (like she did). None of the relationships you get out of that are likely to be worth a shit, since they're almost always really about the end of your other relationship and not the person you're with.

I'd argue that you should resist the urge and wait at least a 2-3 months. Live with the misery a bit---don't wallow in it or do anything unhealthy, but try to rebuild a life and yourself as a single person. Have those thoughts about faith, whatever. That processing (the loss, the internal relationship postmortem, etc) needs to happen. IMHO, you should do it now rather than dragging it out or having it happen while you're with someone else.

My wife once went through 2-3 long relationships with little break between them, all of which were fucked up in some way. She said the healthiest thing she has ever done was intentionally take a break from relationships for a year or two. Eventually we met and got married, but she spent a lot of time thinking about who she wanted to be and what her next relationship needed to be like before that happened. She has said if I asked her out in that period (I was married at the time anyway, but hypothetically) she would have refused.

Barney, maybe there is something to meditation. If it helps bring happiness and joy in the moment then I'm all for it. I think that is the hardest thing to do in times like this.

Thinking about what your ex is doing or how much fun she's having is really just another way of focusing on the fun you think you are losing out on with her yourself. For me, I had to realize that I really wasn't all that joyful or having that much fun with her most of the time when we were together anyway, so it really wasn't that much of a loss in that sense. I think our minds trick us into thinking things were so much better than they really were. If you are already figuring that out, which it sounds like you are when you mention needing to appreciate the little things, then I think you are in a pretty good place to start with.

I remember this feeling. This movie encapsulates it perfectly.

Great points, Gary. In the long run Barney, you need to be happy with yourself before you are ready for a healthy relationship again. Other things that I did to get through it included: lots of exercise, keeping busy with hobbies, working harder while at work, all basically just focusing more on every other part of my life. Oh, and talking obsessively about the situation with friends, until they were bored and finally even I was bored with the topic. Then I was back on track.

airmarkus wrote:
Thinking about what your ex is doing or how much fun she's having is really just another way of focusing on the fun you think you are losing out on with her yourself. For me, I had to realize that I really wasn't all that joyful or having that much fun with her most of the time when we were together anyway, so it really wasn't that much of a loss in that sense. I think our minds trick us into thinking things were so much better than they really were. .

THIS, omg this. This is exactly what's happening to me. My closest friend and sister have been constantly trying to remind me that I was unhappy, depressed and clearly not in love in the last two years of my marriage. My mind is totally tricking me into thinking this was the love of my life, when that's maybe and probably a kneejerk reaction to this situation. You've been able to bridge this problem into this sleeping issue in a way I hadn't considered. This should help. I keep comparing what's going on right now to what we were like in the first years. I should try and remember what it was like near the end.

Gary, that was perfect. That's exactly what's happening. I think I've even slammed pillows around like that while yelling at myself to stop, stop, stop thinking this stuff.

Was going to PM, but in case anyone else is interested, I (and my wife) really dig this spiritual guy, Rob Bell. Apparently he caused a lot of waves because he "preaches" that hell isnt fire and brimstone - it's not living a beautiful life NOW. And that's what we're here to do is live present lives where we accept our place to bring about the life we want - because that's how we make others' lives better too.

Anyway, I'm not trying to prosthelytize so if you (or others) get something out of this then great. Just another perspective to review, and either accept or reject as useful to you right now.

Rob Bell has a new show that just aired on the Oprah network and the first episode I'd highly recommend if you've got the channel - it's all about wrestling with the "bad stuff" that's happened in our lives and owning it the way it's easier to own your 1980s clothing/hair cut. It's a part of YOU and your story. And since you get to choose to be awesome each and every day, that's just (significant) back story!

He also has an on demand "class" that I got my wife for Xmas. Cant yet attest to the specifics, but it's about finding meaning in the everyday life - www.oprah.com/spirit/Rob-Bell-Finding-De...Meaning-in-Your-Life

Keep on posting - we're here for ya!

Barney, I think airmarkus is correct. You feel misery not because you need or miss her (okay may be you are), but more because you are feeling defeated.

I often see this happen with people. There was a boyfriend who usually ignored his girlfriend or even treated her bad, but when she got with someone else he felt jealous as hell. The girlfriend thought that his boyfriend actually loved him but didn't like to show his feeling excessively. I told her the other possibility, that the boyfriend didn't care about her, but just don't like feeling defeated. I turned out to be correct. This is an extreme example, but I've seen a *lot* of this happening with varying degree.

Understanding where your misery *actually* come from might help you resolving it.